New Yorkers Reveal Their Toxic Traits!
Plus! NyQuil Chicken Experiment!! Drugstore Shoplifting Quiz!!!
Hello everybody,
Welcome to Issue #44 of CAFÉ ANNE!
Issue #42, which included my weird essay about Jordan Peterson and a survey of 50 New Yorkers asking how they’d identify him, generated the most reader comments ever. The remarks left in the CAFÉ ANNE comments section were all thoughtful and delightful. But the funniest responses came after I posted the essay to the Jordan Peterson Fan Club on Facebook. A sample from the Fan Club page:
“To the OP [original poster] sorry, he's married, no matter how much you try and get his attention you aren't going to date him!”
Referring to the survey, one person remarked:
“F*cking New Yorkers hahaha who gives a f*ck what they think.”
A popular sentiment, I’m afraid.
A third comment on the survey, referring to New York’s reputation as a dangerous city:
“I know this is a lie because the interviewer is still alive.”
Moving on, I could not be more excited about this week’s issue. First, I invented a new game! “Drugstore Shoplifter” is a quiz adventure. In each round, I name four items found at my local Walgreens. You get to guess which are now under lock and key.
Second, in this week’s edition of “My Wild Brooklyn Life,” I try my hand at preparing America’s new favorite dish, NyQuil Chicken.
Finally, I’m very pleased that we have a very special guest contributor: Randa Sakallah, relationship advice columnist for New York Magazine and publisher of the popular Substack newsletter hotsingles.nyc.
This week, we’re doing a swap. Ms. Sakallah went around interviewing older New Yorkers about love and dating for CAFÉ ANNE while I posed the same set of questions to NYC’s youngest and hottest. You can read my interviews with hotties Malik, Carlotta and Eric in the current issue of hotsingles. And to enjoy Ms. Sakallah’s interviews with Lee, Robert and Billie for CAFÉ ANNE, just scroll down. (Warning: Ms. Sakallah has a thing against capitalization. Kids these days!)
Finally, shoutouts to new paid subscribers Phoebe, Christian and Sabina! Also to Crez in NJ who sent a $25 check in the mail! Old school! It’s dandies like you who keep CAFÉ ANNE free for those can’t afford a subscription. Many thanks.
Regards!
Anne
GAME CORNER
Drugstore Shoplifter!
For years, the drugstores around Brooklyn Heights kept just a few types of merchandise under lock and key—perfume, razors and the very fanciest face creams.
The other day, however, I noted they’ve now got entire aisles of products locked behind plexiglas, from deodorant to body wash.
The stores blame shoplifters, of course, citing a growing number of organized rings that specialize in toothpaste trafficking. And there does seem to be evidence for this. If you go to certain neighborhoods such as Elmhurst, Queens, you now see street vendors hawking shampoo and eye drops rather than the traditional scarves and jewelry.
The more interesting question, of course, is how stores decide which items to safeguard. I spent an hour at Walgreens last week, photographing the shelves and trying to discern a pattern. Was it item size? Shelf price? Black market value?
The exercise inspired a little game, of course. So I now present: Drugstore Shoplifter!
In each round, I’ll present four kinds of products. You guess which are locked up, requiring you to summon a clerk with a key.
Ready?
ROUND ONE: CREAMS!
Which of the four are locked up?
A) Vaseline
B) Retinol cream
C) Walgreens body lotion
D) Sunscreen
The obvious answer is retinol cream. And that is correct. But the even more correct answer is ALL THE ABOVE, except the sunscreen. Weird!
ROUND TWO: DENTAL CARE!
Which of the four are locked up?
A) Colgate toothpaste
B) Listerine
C) Colgate toothbrushes
D) Walgreens mouth rinse
Correct answer: the Colgate toothpaste and the Listerine. Do you see a pattern here? Me neither!!!!
ROUND THREE: AWKWARD ITEMS!
Now we take a look at products that might be embarrassing to summon the clerk for. Which are behind glass?
A) Condoms
B) Pregnancy test
C) Drug test
D) Adult diapers
Answer: None of the above! I’m guessing that’s because none of these items would sell on the black market. Would you buy a pregnancy test from a street vendor?
ROUND FOUR: THINGS I’D TOTALLY SHOPLIFT!
If I were a thief, I’d target these products because I think they’d be easy to sell on the street. Which could I actually steal?
A) Gift cards
B) Curling irons
C) Advil
D) Wine
Answer: Only the Advil is locked up. Why? Why? Why?
ROUND FIVE: WILD CARD!
Finally, here are four totally random items. Guess which are behind glass:
A) Gum
B) Tide detergent
C) Press-on nails
D) Old Spice body wash
You guessed it—or maybe you didn’t! ALL THE ABOVE are locked up!
So how did you do on the quiz? And how do you suppose the “shrinkage” experts at CVS, Walgreens and the like decide what gets locked up? Please leave your thoughts in the comments section or email your ideas to annekadet@yahoo.com. I’ll share them in a future issue.
MY WILD BROOKLYN LIFE
I Made NyQuil Chicken for Dinner and This is What Happened
Like everyone in the nation, I learned last Wednesday that the FDA has issued a stern warning on the dangers of NyQuil Chicken.
As we now all know, NyQuil chicken, aka “Sleepytime Chicken,” is meme that started back in 2017 when some genius posted a cooking video featuring his recipe for chicken breast poached in green cough syrup.
The “NyQuil Chicken Challenge” exploded this summer on TikTok, and suddenly government officials were very alarmed. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement:
A recent social media video challenge encourages people to cook chicken in NyQuil…or another similar OTC cough and cold medication, presumably to eat.
The challenge sounds silly and unappetizing — and it is. But it could also be very unsafe. Boiling a medication can make it much more concentrated and change its properties in other ways. Even if you don’t eat the chicken, inhaling the medication’s vapors while cooking could cause high levels of the drugs to enter your body. It could also hurt your lungs.
This was, of course, was the greatest government warning issued since the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission warned the citizenry in 2013 against eating Tide laundry pods.
I imagine that before the warning was issued, probably less than 1% of the population was even aware that NyQuil chicken was an option. Certainly, I’d never heard of it. But now that I’d been warned, I had to try it.
It reminded me of the time when I was four and mom was changing the bulb in my night lamp. “Don’t put your finger in the socket!” she warned.
This notion had not occurred to me. But as soon as she left the room to get a new bulb, I stuck my finger right in the socket. Zowie!
Thursday afternoon, I went to Walgreens and bought a small bottle of NyQuil (oddly not under lock and key). I could have saved $6 and bought the store-brand knock-off, but I went for the full-price original, which cost $13.49. Like a fine chef, I don’t compromise on ingredients.
I was feeling pretty excited about my experiment. “I’m going to try me some of that NyQuil Chicken!” I told the lady at the register.
“Mmph,” she replied.
On the way home, I bumped into my neighbor Shelly, and invited her to try it with me.
“No,” she said.
I texted my little brother and sister to inform them of my dinner plans.
“ANNE NOOOOO” my little brother texted back.
“Ew,” said my sister.
But I would not be deterred. It couldn’t be worse than the time I ate nothing but dog food for a week, or ate out of dumpsters and garbage cans for five days straight.
Following the internet “recipe” I poured half a bottle over a chicken leg, then set it on the stove to poach.
Within minutes, the dish began to sizzle and foam. The apartment filled with the noxious, sickening odor of chicken and cough syrup.
The FDA had warned that these fumes could kill, so I clamped the lid on, set a timer for 20 minutes and sat on the couch to read.
Within ten minutes I was feeling very nauseous. I stood up and got dizzy. I wove over to the stove, turned off the flame and left the apartment with my dog. We sat in the hallway for a while until we recovered, then went back in, opened the windows and threw out the chicken.
I texted my siblings again. “Okay you were right,” I said. “Just simmering it in the apartment for ten minutes made me dizzy and nauseous. Had to abort.”
My brother replied: “Anne, just use honey mustard like everyone else.”
THE END
GUEST CONTRIBUTOR
New Yorkers Reveal Their Toxic Traits!
hey hotties of CAFÉ ANNE!
i gotta hand it to anne… interviewing strangers on the street is hard work! dozens of people told me they didn’t speak good english or had to get to an appointment or simply had no interest in talking to me about love and relationships. thankfully i did find a few kind souls with lots to say. if you only read one thing–don’t miss robert’s toxic trait.
stay hot 🥵
-randa
Lee, 67, Landscaper
i met lee at the staten island ferry terminal on his way to work!
what are your thoughts on dating in NYC?
It’s kinda hectic here you know. It’s hard to really find somebody who’s focused on the same thing that you’re focused on, you know? I’m starting up a business again, sometimes it’s hard when you have bills and you’re trying to save money. My focus is just having my own business. The other person has gotta be doing the same thing you’re doing. If they don’t have the same goals and dreams, it’s hard.
what is your toxic trait in relationships?
In arguments, most of the time I just walk away instead of debating. I don’t like to debate too much, because it’s not healthy. Sometimes you just can’t see eye to eye.
what makes you hot?
I feel like I’m honest, I got a good personality, I’m a little humorous at times, I think that’s a good trait. I’m not really trying to be funny, sometimes I just am.
what’s your advice to people dating in NYC?
Just be honest with each other as to what y’all wanna do. If you like each other, you gotta come to some common terms. If you don’t put everything on the table at first, it’s still going to come out later on.
Also, if you like somebody, you gotta get along with the way they are. You can’t change nobody. If you don’t wanna deal with it, just don’t deal with it.
Robert, 69, Unemployed
i met robert at washington square park where he was “reading a libertarian blog” on his phone–he said he’s not a libertarian though, he’s a marxist. he asked me not to take his photo because he’s shy, but, as you’ll see below, he wasn’t shy at all in our conversation. i offered to blur his face in the photo, but he said he didn’t trust me. i responded that i’m actually really trustworthy, but he wouldn’t budge. despite him doubting my character, we had a great chat.
what are your thoughts on dating in NYC?
My thoughts on New York is that you need money, first of all–that's the first condition. It's a very materialistic place and very competitive. And therefore, you need to bring home the bacon. Otherwise, there's no honey.
are you actively dating?
I have women friends, yes.
what’s your toxic trait in relationships?
I'm lazy and I don't like to work and I don't make much money.
how has that manifested?
Well, the women leave me.
[we both laugh]
I'm not a materialistic guy. So, you know–these practical concerns and practical needs of everyday life–I’d rather neglect. I’d rather pay attention to other things. Few women can tolerate that.
I have no desire for a consumerist life. I do like to eat well. But I have no desire to indulge in luxury. Every so often I get a good job, and I make money and then I get fat.
what makes you hot?
I don’t know.
what do you think people like about you? what makes them want to stay with you?
Maybe because I’m stimulating. Intellectually I have many different interests and through that I can entertain people.
what’s your advice for people dating in NYC?
I mean, the best way to date in New York is to be an artist and to do work that you love to do. The reason I don’t like to work is because I have to do things that don’t satisfy me–I only go to the job to make money. And the money is, to me really not the most important thing. You have to find something that you love to do. And then you have a fuller life. You’re not only creating works of art, but you're also creating yourself, and that makes you a much more attractive and much more desirable person.
anything else you want to share?
Be healthy so you have good sex. Keep in shape. Eat healthy. Take care of your body. So you can do the happy work.
Billie, 49, Office Administrator
i met billie while she was stopping by washington square park on the way to a job interview. she’s quite a bit younger than robert and lee but i think she was still pretty wise. billie only had a few minutes to chat, but we got to talk about the topic on all our minds… meeting people in person!
what are your thoughts on dating in NYC?
I tried dating apps for the longest time, and I just feel like the organic part is way more fun, you know? Meeting somebody who has similar interests and who’s not behind a screen. You want chemistry and you want to smell pheromones. I deleted the apps and figured organically is the way for me to meet my next person.
what is your toxic trait in relationships?
Overthinking. That's my toxic trait in general. Wondering what the other person is thinking without asking them. Or, overanalyzing. I'm also a Virgo, so that happens. You know, I’m kind of an overanalyzer anyway. My therapist says it's called catastrophizing. You think of all the bad things and the doom and gloom before you think of the positive, and I’m trying to overcome that.
what makes you hot?
Jeez! I think it's intangible. Because for some reason, both men and women dig me. I don't know what it is. I don't see it. I mean, I think that I really try to make the person I'm talking to feel like they're the most important person at the moment. I'm interested in what they have to say. I think that's a positive and I think that gets people going for whatever reason. People like to talk about themselves. And I like to listen.
what is your advice for people who are dating in nyc?
Try to meet people organically. Don't slide into DMs, slide into conversation. Face-to-face, eye contact. See somebody smile in person. Don't be afraid to talk. And don't be afraid to engage. I think that people want to be listened to, so it's nice when you’re meeting people to really quickly take an interest in what they're talking about, even if it's mundane. Because you're gonna find something interesting.
ITEMS OF INTEREST
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A Twitter Featuring Every Property in NYC in Numerical Order by Tax ID#
The Man Who Bought Pine Bluff, Arkansas
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Friends don't let friends eat Nyquil Chicken. JUST SAY NO
Nyquil Chicken: I'm laughing out loud and I'm also nauseous.