Thanks Justin! So happy you enjoyed the story and meeting Mr. Quaraishi! Yes, he's quite the guy. I had no idea what to expect so of course I was totally delighted...
An important thing in life is to be able to admit when we are wrong. I was wrong, voting for not exploring who the tree guy was. I come to this conclusion for a multitide of reasons. (1) I loved reading the story and the couple's humanity came through beautiful. (2) You, our professional reporter, were entirely so excited you lost your objectvity. Why do I say that? Well between the title and three VERY SHORT sentences you set what seems to be a new record for the Cafe by including ten exclamation points!!!!!!!!!! The pattern was unmistakable. One in the title, 2 in the 1st sentence, 3 in the 2nd sentence, and 4 more in the third sentence.
This enthusiasm was carried all the way through. The UPS story was golden and all of this reckless enthusiasm carried through to your commenters. You are rubbing off on all of us!!!!!!!!!!
Finally, your commenter with a NY take on junk collecting was awesome.
As an aside JRB was built to be a storyteller in a small-town bar. Every week a sub-adventure.
Mark! It is true, ten exclamation points is a new CA record. I was telling a friend the other day, I once had an editor at a magazine who took me aside and told me that going forward, I was limited to ONE exclamation point per column. I am glad to have my own publication now where I can include ten, 20, 100 exclamation points if that's what it takes to convey how I feel.
Your ten EPs, btw, beat mine, because they are all at once.
Isn't JBR great? I look forward to his comments every week. Much the way I do yours! :)
So glad you enjoyed the tree story, and Neal's profile too.
I just put your story into the Grammarly editor. Your editor would be fuming as you made it to 63 (not counting the comments) so you must have been feeling good. I am glad there is a statistic for most consecutive exclamation points. My instinct is if I were still on social media this record gets smashed constantly.
This issue of your newsletter delighted me to no end. A day in the UPS life!! The sweetest couple and tree on earth!!! And capping it off with haiku?? Genius!!!!
Check out this recent 100-word interview with Jason McBride, a substack poet who writes and illustrates a haiku a day. Yeah, he’s on the left coast but whatever.
Thanks Amran. I hope people click and read Neal's whole profile of Vince. It made me cry!
And I'm going to a Christmas party at my Little Brother's place in Sunnyside later this month, so I'll be sure to get a photo of Jimmy in all his holiday glory.
Finally finished "The Mystery Tree." Simply fascinating and endearing. Mr. and Ms. Quraishi both have hearts bigger than the world's tallest man! As usual, the story about the "largest breast" triggered a memory: way back in 1977 my college buddy, Mike, was having a bachelor party in Dayton; as part of the festivities about 30 of us went to the local burlesque show at the Tod Art Theater. Burlesque was on it's last legs, so to speak, back in 1977. But there was one famous star remaining and she was there that night: The Great Morganna, The Kissing Bandit! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morganna
She gave her measurements as 60–23–39 inches. Her claim to fame is that she would go to major league baseball stadiums and run onto the filed and kiss players, like George Brett and Pete Rose. So our gang is all juiced up and rowdy; I had a HUGE Afro-perm as was the style, and I was wearing a equally huge straw Panama hat and we were all right up next to the stage/runway, rowdy as heck! Morganna came out for her act and motioned for me to throw her my huge hat. I did and she placed it over her breast, danced around with it, and it stayed in place like it was glued there!!! The gang went nuts!! Next thing I know, I'm caught unawares, she grabs my shoulders and places my head between her breasts and slams them against my head, back and forth! To this very day (I'm 69 and I was 24 in "77) I can still feel the other-worldly experience from the "brodie" she gave me! As Bob Hope sang, "Thanks for the mamamaries!" https://youtu.be/GZP4hK3tVuE
Thanks Anne for sharing the UPS profile of Vince. He is a true gent and I'm so glad that so many others were able to read his story. For the record, that calendar is genius!
Thank you Neal! Thanks for letting me share it! And I gotta give credit to my reader (and friend!) Nadia K. in Brooklyn who came up with the idea for the calendar!
This edition had such fantastic characters! I loved Neal’s profile of the UPS guy when he first posted it. And Mr. Quaraishi is delightful! Makes me so happy to know that enthusiastic, quirky people like him exist!
Best line: “Silicon Valley has yet to invent an AI transcription to handle a South Philly accent so thick.”
1st Runner-up: “During the day, I worked at a Slim Jim factory. I was the Spice Guy.”
*OMG THAT IS MY DREAM JOB!!!
2nd Runner-up: “That’s a saying where you park the truck, grab the package, and carry it to the address, even if it’s far away. ‘Walk it off…Walk it off.”
*THAT IS GREAT ADVICE IN EVERY LIFE SITUATION!!
Honorable mention: “My favorite job at that place was driving a forklift.”
*HEY WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I DROVE A FORKLIFT SUMMERS. IT’S HOW I LEARNED TO DRIVE STICK! HAD LOTS OF ADVENTURES! I KNOCKED A HUGE DOOR OFF IT’S HINGES AT A FACTORY BY CUTTING THE CORNER TOO CLOSE AT THE END OF 3RD-SHIFT; NO ONE WAS AROUND SO I PROPPED IT UP TO LOOK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AND WHEN ANOTHER GUY ON A LIFT CAME BY THE VIBRATIONS CAUSED THE HUGE DOOR TO FALL OFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUYS COMING IN ON 1ST SHIFT AND THEY RAZZED THAT OTHER GUY WHILE I SLINKED OFF! ANOTHER TIME, ON A HUGE LIFT, ME AND THIS GUY, DICK, WERE UNLOADING A FRIEGHT CAR AND THE FORKS NEEDED TO BE WIDER AND I WEIGHED ALL OF 130 LBS SO DICK CAME DOWN OFF OF THE LIFT SO BOTH OF US TUGGED AT THE HUGE FORK, WHICH WAS STUCK IN A NOTCH, AND IT CAME RIGHT OFF THE END AND LANDED ON DICK’S FOOT, BREAKING HIS FOOT AND CAUSING ME TO GET SENT TO 3RD-SHIFT TO THE “SPRAY-BOOTH GANG”, WORST JOB EVER, SO THEY COULD BRING ANOTHER OPERATOR TO 1ST-SHIFT. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I WORKED FOR AN AUTOPARTS STORE AND HAD TO UNLOAD A SEMI FULL OF AUTO-PAINT GALLONS AND I RAISED MY FORKS ABOUT 15 FEET AWAY, AT THE TOP OF A DOWNHILL, AND THE BRAKES WENT OUT AND I TRIED TO TURN THE WHEEL QUICKLY (FORKLIFTS TURN ON A DIME BECAUSE THEY TURN ON THEIR BACK WHEELS AND THE DRIVER’S WHEEL HAS A KNOB ON IT) AND I YELLED FOR THE GUY IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK WHO WAS BENT OVER, LOADING PALLETS WITH PAINT GALLONS AND MY RIGHT FORK HIT A BOTTOM-ROW OF PAINT CANS, SHOOTING THEM TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE TRAILER AND SUBMARINING THE DRIVER, ASS-OVER TEACUPS, ALL I SAW WAS HIS LEGS SOMMERSAULTING! SO FUNNY!! HE DIDN’T GET HURT, BUT GOTTDAMN IT WAS FUNNY! BUT I COULDN’T LAUGH OR HE’D HAVE MADE A PRETZEL OUT OF ME!
I adore the Quaraishis! They name all the trees! And feed kitties and raccoons! Swoon. I completely agree that residents need to tend to their neighborhoods. I always found NYC to be very good that way. I hope they catch the fucking rubber-ducky-doll-thermometer-stealing Grinch!
The Sunnyside tree mystery was fantastic. Mr. Quraishi is a fascinating New Yorker. Loved this story, Anne!
Thanks Justin! So happy you enjoyed the story and meeting Mr. Quaraishi! Yes, he's quite the guy. I had no idea what to expect so of course I was totally delighted...
An important thing in life is to be able to admit when we are wrong. I was wrong, voting for not exploring who the tree guy was. I come to this conclusion for a multitide of reasons. (1) I loved reading the story and the couple's humanity came through beautiful. (2) You, our professional reporter, were entirely so excited you lost your objectvity. Why do I say that? Well between the title and three VERY SHORT sentences you set what seems to be a new record for the Cafe by including ten exclamation points!!!!!!!!!! The pattern was unmistakable. One in the title, 2 in the 1st sentence, 3 in the 2nd sentence, and 4 more in the third sentence.
This enthusiasm was carried all the way through. The UPS story was golden and all of this reckless enthusiasm carried through to your commenters. You are rubbing off on all of us!!!!!!!!!!
Finally, your commenter with a NY take on junk collecting was awesome.
As an aside JRB was built to be a storyteller in a small-town bar. Every week a sub-adventure.
Mark! It is true, ten exclamation points is a new CA record. I was telling a friend the other day, I once had an editor at a magazine who took me aside and told me that going forward, I was limited to ONE exclamation point per column. I am glad to have my own publication now where I can include ten, 20, 100 exclamation points if that's what it takes to convey how I feel.
Your ten EPs, btw, beat mine, because they are all at once.
Isn't JBR great? I look forward to his comments every week. Much the way I do yours! :)
So glad you enjoyed the tree story, and Neal's profile too.
I just put your story into the Grammarly editor. Your editor would be fuming as you made it to 63 (not counting the comments) so you must have been feeling good. I am glad there is a statistic for most consecutive exclamation points. My instinct is if I were still on social media this record gets smashed constantly.
🔥🔥
Loving the weird trash heaps! So much crazy stuff. I stoop so much stuff from the sidewalk it’s ridiculous.
https://www.newyorkcartoons.com/p/17-stooping-in-new-york
OMG that cartoon is hilarious. Everyone check it out!
❤️
Thanks as always Anne! Mr Q may be my favorite interviewee ever here. I love him to bits. A haiku in his honor:
Some just see a tree
To Q, a friend, light, God…. Tree
His name is Jimmy
Lol thanks KKyle. So happy you enjoyed the interview. And your haiku is amazing of course.
BTW you have inspired me to start writing haikus for all sorts of occasions—to the dismay of many, I suspect.
Can you share them please?
I included this in my xmas wish list I sent to my family:
So many options
For making Anne happy
She’s earned it for sure!
This issue of your newsletter delighted me to no end. A day in the UPS life!! The sweetest couple and tree on earth!!! And capping it off with haiku?? Genius!!!!
Check out this recent 100-word interview with Jason McBride, a substack poet who writes and illustrates a haiku a day. Yeah, he’s on the left coast but whatever.
https://open.substack.com/pub/morningpagemashup/p/keep-it-100-heres-jason?r=78mjm&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
Amie your whole newsletter concept is genius! Just subscribed!
Oh Anne, your weekly missives are a breath of fresh air.
Thanks for being a bright spot.
Thank you Drew! So glad to hear you are enjoying the newsletter! :)
Love that profile of Vince the UPS driver as well! Neal's letter is fantastic.
Anne: make sure to send pics of the Christmas decorated version of the little tree!
Thanks Amran. I hope people click and read Neal's whole profile of Vince. It made me cry!
And I'm going to a Christmas party at my Little Brother's place in Sunnyside later this month, so I'll be sure to get a photo of Jimmy in all his holiday glory.
Finally finished "The Mystery Tree." Simply fascinating and endearing. Mr. and Ms. Quraishi both have hearts bigger than the world's tallest man! As usual, the story about the "largest breast" triggered a memory: way back in 1977 my college buddy, Mike, was having a bachelor party in Dayton; as part of the festivities about 30 of us went to the local burlesque show at the Tod Art Theater. Burlesque was on it's last legs, so to speak, back in 1977. But there was one famous star remaining and she was there that night: The Great Morganna, The Kissing Bandit! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morganna
She gave her measurements as 60–23–39 inches. Her claim to fame is that she would go to major league baseball stadiums and run onto the filed and kiss players, like George Brett and Pete Rose. So our gang is all juiced up and rowdy; I had a HUGE Afro-perm as was the style, and I was wearing a equally huge straw Panama hat and we were all right up next to the stage/runway, rowdy as heck! Morganna came out for her act and motioned for me to throw her my huge hat. I did and she placed it over her breast, danced around with it, and it stayed in place like it was glued there!!! The gang went nuts!! Next thing I know, I'm caught unawares, she grabs my shoulders and places my head between her breasts and slams them against my head, back and forth! To this very day (I'm 69 and I was 24 in "77) I can still feel the other-worldly experience from the "brodie" she gave me! As Bob Hope sang, "Thanks for the mamamaries!" https://youtu.be/GZP4hK3tVuE
OMG I remember my parents talking about the Kissing Bandit! The video is fantastic, thanks for posting. And wow, what a memory.
YOU MADE MY DAY!!! I can't believe that you knew about the Kissing Bandit! She was a very nice person; not at all sleazy.
Thanks Anne for sharing the UPS profile of Vince. He is a true gent and I'm so glad that so many others were able to read his story. For the record, that calendar is genius!
Thank you Neal! Thanks for letting me share it! And I gotta give credit to my reader (and friend!) Nadia K. in Brooklyn who came up with the idea for the calendar!
even better story re the tree than i could have imagined!!
Thanks Megan! That's how I felt!
This edition had such fantastic characters! I loved Neal’s profile of the UPS guy when he first posted it. And Mr. Quaraishi is delightful! Makes me so happy to know that enthusiastic, quirky people like him exist!
Thanks Jillian. Me too. And they're EVERYWHERE!
Best line: “Silicon Valley has yet to invent an AI transcription to handle a South Philly accent so thick.”
1st Runner-up: “During the day, I worked at a Slim Jim factory. I was the Spice Guy.”
*OMG THAT IS MY DREAM JOB!!!
2nd Runner-up: “That’s a saying where you park the truck, grab the package, and carry it to the address, even if it’s far away. ‘Walk it off…Walk it off.”
*THAT IS GREAT ADVICE IN EVERY LIFE SITUATION!!
Honorable mention: “My favorite job at that place was driving a forklift.”
*HEY WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I DROVE A FORKLIFT SUMMERS. IT’S HOW I LEARNED TO DRIVE STICK! HAD LOTS OF ADVENTURES! I KNOCKED A HUGE DOOR OFF IT’S HINGES AT A FACTORY BY CUTTING THE CORNER TOO CLOSE AT THE END OF 3RD-SHIFT; NO ONE WAS AROUND SO I PROPPED IT UP TO LOOK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AND WHEN ANOTHER GUY ON A LIFT CAME BY THE VIBRATIONS CAUSED THE HUGE DOOR TO FALL OFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUYS COMING IN ON 1ST SHIFT AND THEY RAZZED THAT OTHER GUY WHILE I SLINKED OFF! ANOTHER TIME, ON A HUGE LIFT, ME AND THIS GUY, DICK, WERE UNLOADING A FRIEGHT CAR AND THE FORKS NEEDED TO BE WIDER AND I WEIGHED ALL OF 130 LBS SO DICK CAME DOWN OFF OF THE LIFT SO BOTH OF US TUGGED AT THE HUGE FORK, WHICH WAS STUCK IN A NOTCH, AND IT CAME RIGHT OFF THE END AND LANDED ON DICK’S FOOT, BREAKING HIS FOOT AND CAUSING ME TO GET SENT TO 3RD-SHIFT TO THE “SPRAY-BOOTH GANG”, WORST JOB EVER, SO THEY COULD BRING ANOTHER OPERATOR TO 1ST-SHIFT. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I WORKED FOR AN AUTOPARTS STORE AND HAD TO UNLOAD A SEMI FULL OF AUTO-PAINT GALLONS AND I RAISED MY FORKS ABOUT 15 FEET AWAY, AT THE TOP OF A DOWNHILL, AND THE BRAKES WENT OUT AND I TRIED TO TURN THE WHEEL QUICKLY (FORKLIFTS TURN ON A DIME BECAUSE THEY TURN ON THEIR BACK WHEELS AND THE DRIVER’S WHEEL HAS A KNOB ON IT) AND I YELLED FOR THE GUY IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK WHO WAS BENT OVER, LOADING PALLETS WITH PAINT GALLONS AND MY RIGHT FORK HIT A BOTTOM-ROW OF PAINT CANS, SHOOTING THEM TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE TRAILER AND SUBMARINING THE DRIVER, ASS-OVER TEACUPS, ALL I SAW WAS HIS LEGS SOMMERSAULTING! SO FUNNY!! HE DIDN’T GET HURT, BUT GOTTDAMN IT WAS FUNNY! BUT I COULDN’T LAUGH OR HE’D HAVE MADE A PRETZEL OUT OF ME!
JRB I think you always were, and always will be, the spice guy.
HAHAHAHAHA!! I still need to comment on the tree!! Got cut short today!
😂
For the record, that was my favorite summer job in college, until I drove the forklift off the loading dock. Ouch!
Wow!! I always worried over that happening!!
Trash Heap calendar—brilliant and inspired.
Thank you! And I am pretty sure my friend Nadia came up with the idea, not me. I'm going to check with her when I see her tonight...
I adore the Quaraishis! They name all the trees! And feed kitties and raccoons! Swoon. I completely agree that residents need to tend to their neighborhoods. I always found NYC to be very good that way. I hope they catch the fucking rubber-ducky-doll-thermometer-stealing Grinch!
Whoa haha this must be NYC Jane revealed! I A side of you I've never seen!
Love this! The names of the trees ☺️ and all of it! Thanks, Anne!
Thank you Jolene! Very happy you enjoyed!
Always a delight! Jimmy reminds me of an all-season Charlie Brown Christmas tree, perfect story for the holidays.
Oh wow Emily, you nailed it!!!
I love the tree family story! And someone in my household is very very happy about the raccoon feedings.
You know the feeling is mutual...