Interesting article. I can give advice and I can take…I find both aspects quite fulfilling in relationships. I’m old, 82, and seasoned so I feel like I’m qualified to give advice when it’s deemed necessary. I’ve lived through so many life situations for decades. Sometimes what’s seen as new is actually old and recycled. Relationships have changed so much as the diversity is much different now than it was 60 yrs ago. The moral compass has been pushed to the max. For instance, I wouldn’t give this advice this 60 yrs ago because LBGQ didn’t openly exist, but I fully support the adage “we love who we love”. I will add this includes race and religion.
I am often very vocal to grandchildren about how they should navigate their lives as in finances, education, personal development and social development, as well as their choices in apparel, hairstyles, makeup, just every day conversations for me. God love them, they just smile and give me a big hug. But I lay in wait to see what they do and more often than not I see a change. They also give me advice on how to navigate all this new age stuff that is difficult to grasp, but I find it very helpful. They often help me make decisions about my health and I know the advice is coming from the heart. Sometimes I receive it and move forward with it, sometimes I don’t.
Friends are always a fun challenge for giving advice because casual conversations can be a treasure trove for giving and receiving. We care about each other and we are all grateful to have each other, so it’s a two way street.
I have lived long enough to know that I have a lot to offer and a lot to learn. For the most part we often say and hear things that sound like advice when it’s actually just casual conversation. When asked to give, I’ll do my best to answer in a way I hope is correct and will be received with respect. Same goes for unsolicited advice. When receiving, I always take into consideration who’s talking and is the advice valid for the topic. I enjoy the give and take when its in casually conversations.
Hi Sally! It's great to hear your thoughts on this. And I for sure would be more interested in advice from someone who is 82 than 22.
Your stories about your grandkids bring up a good point. I am far more likely to be open to unsolicited advice from someone who I know really knows me, loves me and is on my side. It sounds like that's what you've got going on with your grandchildren.
"I’ve heard that before. But the wise don’t need it? Well, that's not true! Who is this perfect, wise guy? I’m sure even the Dali Lama could use some advice."
EXACTLY! Who is this perfect, wise guy? Not you, buddy! Or anybody! To think you always know best for everyone in your orbit is delusional, in my estimation.
There's so much to unpack in this post, I found myself wishing I could leave a voice memo because it's just too much to write out in a comment.
I don't think I'm bad at taking advice... especially if I've asked for it of course! But if I had a friend who thought he knew best for me at all times, I'd find that pretty untenable.
I don't ever mind getting advice, but I cannot STAND an askhole. An askhole is a person who ALWAYS asks your advice in a situation and then tells you why you're wrong for answering the way that you did. I have a friend who does this CONSTANTLY. He knows he does it, too, and now I just have to tell him, "Jeff. You're being an askhole."
I think it's just them trying to open up a platform for conversation about something they're considering, and asking for advice is the way they do that. But sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. Especially not at length. Ad nauseam. Repeatedly. But this particular friend just can't make decisions, so...I dunno. The problems run deeper than I am qualified to help with.
Oh wow, I got me one of these, Justin, maybe more. And it's great to have such an apt label to sum up the phenomenon.
Your take on why they do this is very generous. My best guess is not so kind. It seems to me that that the person enjoys feeling UNIQUELY persecuted and beyond all help—a very special case to which none of the advice that works for others can possibly apply!
Yeah, that's a very real possibility. This person does tend to see themselves as smarter, more well informed, in a unique position, more than most. I could definitely see that as an option.
Thanks for the mention, Anne! I loved reading about all the great feedback on last week’s issue, including the unexpected promise of delicious treats! I wish I lived closer to New York, so I could join you on your second walk. As for the unsolicited advice, that part really got me thinking. Next time I start a sentence with, “well, it’s none of my business, but…” I should just stop right there and not continue. Always lots of food for thought at the café! The next mystery to unpack is what happened to the fingers of the people in those illustrations…
I would like to have an option in the survey - I don't give out unsolicited advice, but I can take it ;)
I guess I don't get offended that easily and I choose to believe it usually comes from a place of goodness from the giver, even if it's misplaced. And I'll usually process the advice and choose to take it or not myself, so in a way, there couldn't be a wrong unsolicited advice, only funny ones if it's so "off".
I do find it hard to know when is the really right time to give an important unsolicited advice. I fret over it especially with people I care about and I know is particularly sensitive!
Rachel, that is really the best of all possible combinations. I'd like to say that about myself And while I'm moving in that direction, I'm not quite there yet.
As I have said, trust that the unsolicited advice-giver means well, so there is no reason to get upset. If their advice is helpful, great; if not, then thank them for caring/trying and move on. This helps with the emotions part.
I find it interesting, too, to take the unsolicited advice as something to ponder about. Even if it doesn't help you, it may give insight to the person who gave it. It might also be a new paradigm or point of view that you never thought about. This is the fun, logical part! (I am typed “analyst,” so yes, it’s fun for me:))
Trusting that the person means well makes sense—in terms of improving how the situation feels, Rachel. And I love the idea of using the situation to gain insight into the advice giver! Thank you.
Hmm, as a bona fide hater of unsolicited advice, I found Dyske's responses to be mostly frustrating, but after reading the interview and calming myself down, I realized that I probably should make some exceptions when it comes to giving/receiving unsolicited advice. Exhibit A: sometimes when I get really angry, I tend to spout all of the unsolicited advice that I've been holding myself back from saying...definitely a sign that I, all too often, fail to live up to my inner vow to never give unsolicited advice and that I should instead seek out opportunities to kindly share that unsolicited advice when I'm calm. Anne, thanks for this interview...and for the advice!
It's a thorny issue for sure, Alan, which is why I wanted to talk about it and think about it.
I agree delivering unsolicited advice that must be delivered when it can be done calmly and kindly, is for sure better than blurting it out after weeks or months of trying to hold back.
Another rule of thumb for me is to wait until I'm calm and feeling some genuine affection for the other person before I do just about anything. And that is SO HARD!
Yea, tell me about it. Usually when I'm feeling calm and affectionate, the absolute last thing that I want to do is kill the vibe by providing unsolicited, constructive criticism, but alas, that moment is probably the perfect opportunity to do so...ay, ay, ay...10 years into my marriage, and I feel like I'm still learning the basics here...shout out to my emotionally stunted upbringing and to you Anne, my free therapist...you should charge for this...wait, you do! I should became a paid subscriber today!
I'm asked for advice often. I don't typically give unsolicited advice unless I think it's a matter of health or safety or if someone is getting defrauded.
To give really good advice I find that you have to make your own ego as small as possible. Ideally invisible. I also find that there's advice inflation. If you give advice too often, the listener is more likely to tune you out. Pick what's important.
"Advice inflation" that's a great term you've coined for what I am sure is an actual phenomenon, David!
I don't even give unsolicited advice when it comes to health. There's so much info out there these days on the health front, I figure the odds of the person not having heard it are roughly zero!
Oh dear. I feel like this is like the issue of me talking too much. I’m much better once I realised I had a problem. Which needed to be pushed in my face. Because we don’t see these things ourselves. I don’t think I’d realised there’s such a thing as ‘unsolicited advice’. I just open my mouth and stuff comes out. Though I do quickly realise when someone is not interested in discussing whatever I’m talking about. Hmmmm…. Autistic traits? We’re all somewhere on the spectrum. I’d normally just regard it as a direct mode of communication. My friends find it refreshing but others don’t. Intriguing. Thank you!
(Now I’ll go check out that Walks Substack. Sounds fascinating.)
Another cool post. Thanks so much Anne. Enjoy your week.
Beth, I remember when it first dawned on me that maybe people did not want to hear it. I was probably in my mid 20s and was home visiting my folks and telling my mom all about what she should and should not eat for maximum health (this was back when low-carb was just coming back into fashion). And she looked at me very steadily and said, "I'm glad you found what works for you, Anne."
Love this discussion. Very satisfying read. I am big on giving unsolicited advice, but I think it’s mostly not smart to do it and have lately cooled on it. (Because I recently have wasted a lot of time giving good advice to a friend who I realized was emotional/passionate but had not put my finger on it the way you did, Dyske. She SEEMS like she values logic, but she is governed by feelings!) I often wish smart people would be brazen enough to give me advice. If you or Dyske have anything, lay it on me!
Haha wouldn't we all love to get advice just from smart people who know what they're talking about Courtney?
I have a few friends who told me, "I ALWAYS want your feedback, don't wait for me to request it!" I just tried making the same request from a friend of mine whose advice I really value and of course he a smart alec and started suggesting all kinds of nonsense.
I'm glad you agree this is a topic worth thinking about. I've thought about it a LOT.
Yes! And I don’t doubt your friends would like your input. They know you’re a thinky type who tries to be fair and whose take will be interesting to hear. This morning, it occurred to me that I remember almost every piece of tough advice anyone has ever said to me. Many of the things were so hard to hear at first that I spent some time hating the person who said it! So, it IS a tricky thing, giving unsolicited advice, but it’s also often life-changing. (I changed how/what I did because of these people.)
I walked into the article expecting to strongly disagree with the entire premise, but it sounds like Dyske gave you some very helpful unsolicited advice! And I was pleasantly surprised that he says he considers whether the person is actually capable of receiving the advice.
But *does* he consider it, really? His comment about giving advice that would hurt someone was, “Jesus, if I were you, I’d say it without a second thought.” That seems to show giving advice is more about his own ego, and not really about if it will help the person or if they are capable of receiving it.
I think there definitely are circumstances where unsolicited advice is helpful-- like his comments about your teaching! But so often the advice is usually so BAD and coming from a place of ignorance. I have been the recipient of so much horrible advice in the last year re: the job market, largely from people who are retired and have no idea how the world currently functions. That kind of unsolicited advice is such a waste of everyone's time and energy. We could all be doing better things with our time than having those conversations.
Oh wow you are bringing me back with those comments about job hunting advice, Emily. It's one of those areas of life where everyone thinks they know something, because just about everyone has some experience.
I after listening to Dyske and reading some of these comments I think I stand about where I did in the first place. Unsolicited advice CAN be helpful, but it's so rarely helpful and so difficult to say when it's helpful that its probably best to do it never.
It's also made me take a harder look at why I get so annoyed when it comes at me though. I'd like to be able to consider all advice (solicited or not) without having my feelings interfering with my judgement. Something to aim for!
1. What about asking people. "May I share what I think about that and give you advice?" Of course, someone would say yes because they are kind, not because they really want to listen. But still, asking for permission is a great thing to cultivate.
2. I'm a huge listener and advise-giver. And I see how my idenity is also built on those features. Why? Yes, it does make me feel in control and feel wise. Also, I'm not really showing myself when I'm focusing on the other person, which feels safe (maybe too sfae?) I think for me a good exercise is listen less and talk more, and risk other people unsolicited advices. Maybe feel pissed off for a while, but probably learn more about myself. Also, learn to sift what is serving me and what is just not serving.
Sara, I DO often employ strategy #1, especially after I've had a friend complain about the same situation numerous times. The drawback of course is what you noted: they may say yes just to be polite. On the other hand, it can be a subtle way of signaling that you're feeling a bit fed up with the situation as well and would like to see a change as much as they do!
I also relate to #2. I did a big story maybe a year ago in which I interviewed "long talkers" about why they talk so damn much without listening.
Hi Anne! So I already have a paid subscription, but with another email address which I don’t use for my Substack account , and I don’t know how to switch it, so I am just going to just subscribe here again for free :)
And here I am, always telling my friends “honestly, I don’t know what advice to give you” 😂 but the reason I hate giving advice is that, if people follow it and things go wrong, then they can blame me and I don’t want that 😂
Haha, I think that's the difference between the advice givers and those who steer clear. I am always 100% certain that my advice will go well, Maja. In my defense, what I often advise is that the person slow down, get centered and learn how to tap their own inner wisdom, or get clear on what they want, rather than advising anything specific. I don't think you can go wrong with that!
I agree on that regard, but sometimes people want advice in terms of telling them exactly what to do, which I hate because 1) I don’t know what you should do and 2) if I tell you what to do and things to awry then it’s my fault 😅 heh, it’s a tough world hahah
‘Never get involved with someone who has more problems than you’ and ‘Never get involved with a work colleague because when it goes wrong you may lose your job as well.’ I got this advice from an old soak, who was one of my maternal grandfather’s drinking buddies when I was 15, and at 81 I still regard it as the best unsolicited advice I ever got. I shared the advice with my kids a little too late. 🐰
Not my words Anne, but hand-me-downs back in 1959 from an old man called Joe who I must write about. A sad story. His other memorable piece of wisdom/advice was ‘You know that you have lost it when you start putting beer on your cornflakes.’ I have avoided cornflakes ever since.🐰
Oh, I am SO conflicted by this topic! I couldn't respond to your survey because I fall somewhere in between those choices. On the one hand, I have always disliked it when my brother and my boyfriend give me unsolicited advice ("mansplaining?"), since it generally sounds like criticism. I also don't like "know-it-alls" who speak with such authority and are never wrong in their own minds. The advice can actually be very unhelpful, wrong, or damaging. Yet on the other hand, I have a friend who tells me the same negative stories every time we speak on the phone, and never seems to do anything about it. I question whether I'm being a good friend by saying nothing, since there are times I want to scream from her refusal to do anything to improve her situation. Just saying "I'm sorry that's happening" for the 500th time doesn't seem to me like a supportive or honest response. But the really crazy hypocritical part is that I want to give her advice because I have also done nothing to improve some of my own issues, and I guess my advice is based on my own deep frustration at myself, and wishing that someone would tell me to JUST DO IT because I am desperate for that push. Yes, therapy is called for. Maybe it just comes down to this: only offer advice when asked, or ask the person if they want to hear your opinion (since that's all it is, an opinion). If they do want to hear it, try to be kind and truly helpful. A very interesting topic, as always, Anne!
Thanks Jill. And I love your comment because I think you probably summed up the experience of just about everyone on the planet!!
I will often do what you proposed, Jill, if I've heard a complaint numerous times. I ask if they want suggestions or feedback. The funny thing is, the person really can't say no without sounding insane, so I'm not sure if it's a legit strategy.
Anne - The comments seem pretty harsh. Dyske Suematsu is just acting according to his nature. He is what at one time would have been called a Butinski. I have a found and a good response to folks like him is to smile and say, "Who asked you?"
The smile is important because it visually conveys that you don't care about his opinion or his free advice.
Haha butkinski! It's a while since I heard that one Bob.
My usual response is typically to just thank the person and move on. Because I like to think their motive is one of being helpful or offering a gift rather than being critical. But your approach would be a lot more fun!
Interesting article. I can give advice and I can take…I find both aspects quite fulfilling in relationships. I’m old, 82, and seasoned so I feel like I’m qualified to give advice when it’s deemed necessary. I’ve lived through so many life situations for decades. Sometimes what’s seen as new is actually old and recycled. Relationships have changed so much as the diversity is much different now than it was 60 yrs ago. The moral compass has been pushed to the max. For instance, I wouldn’t give this advice this 60 yrs ago because LBGQ didn’t openly exist, but I fully support the adage “we love who we love”. I will add this includes race and religion.
I am often very vocal to grandchildren about how they should navigate their lives as in finances, education, personal development and social development, as well as their choices in apparel, hairstyles, makeup, just every day conversations for me. God love them, they just smile and give me a big hug. But I lay in wait to see what they do and more often than not I see a change. They also give me advice on how to navigate all this new age stuff that is difficult to grasp, but I find it very helpful. They often help me make decisions about my health and I know the advice is coming from the heart. Sometimes I receive it and move forward with it, sometimes I don’t.
Friends are always a fun challenge for giving advice because casual conversations can be a treasure trove for giving and receiving. We care about each other and we are all grateful to have each other, so it’s a two way street.
I have lived long enough to know that I have a lot to offer and a lot to learn. For the most part we often say and hear things that sound like advice when it’s actually just casual conversation. When asked to give, I’ll do my best to answer in a way I hope is correct and will be received with respect. Same goes for unsolicited advice. When receiving, I always take into consideration who’s talking and is the advice valid for the topic. I enjoy the give and take when its in casually conversations.
Hi Sally! It's great to hear your thoughts on this. And I for sure would be more interested in advice from someone who is 82 than 22.
Your stories about your grandkids bring up a good point. I am far more likely to be open to unsolicited advice from someone who I know really knows me, loves me and is on my side. It sounds like that's what you've got going on with your grandchildren.
Talk about ego! He says it himself:
"I’ve heard that before. But the wise don’t need it? Well, that's not true! Who is this perfect, wise guy? I’m sure even the Dali Lama could use some advice."
EXACTLY! Who is this perfect, wise guy? Not you, buddy! Or anybody! To think you always know best for everyone in your orbit is delusional, in my estimation.
There's so much to unpack in this post, I found myself wishing I could leave a voice memo because it's just too much to write out in a comment.
I don't think I'm bad at taking advice... especially if I've asked for it of course! But if I had a friend who thought he knew best for me at all times, I'd find that pretty untenable.
Rant over.
I should have asked YOU to interview Dyske, BA! That would have been a spicy newsletter! :)
Haha! LEMME AT ‘IM!
Jk.
I find it disrespectful. And my God, ex-boyfriends making comments (“giving advice”) about your appearance? Unh-uh. No sirree. Unacceptable.
I don't ever mind getting advice, but I cannot STAND an askhole. An askhole is a person who ALWAYS asks your advice in a situation and then tells you why you're wrong for answering the way that you did. I have a friend who does this CONSTANTLY. He knows he does it, too, and now I just have to tell him, "Jeff. You're being an askhole."
I think it's just them trying to open up a platform for conversation about something they're considering, and asking for advice is the way they do that. But sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. Especially not at length. Ad nauseam. Repeatedly. But this particular friend just can't make decisions, so...I dunno. The problems run deeper than I am qualified to help with.
Oh wow, I got me one of these, Justin, maybe more. And it's great to have such an apt label to sum up the phenomenon.
Your take on why they do this is very generous. My best guess is not so kind. It seems to me that that the person enjoys feeling UNIQUELY persecuted and beyond all help—a very special case to which none of the advice that works for others can possibly apply!
Yeah, that's a very real possibility. This person does tend to see themselves as smarter, more well informed, in a unique position, more than most. I could definitely see that as an option.
Thanks for the mention, Anne! I loved reading about all the great feedback on last week’s issue, including the unexpected promise of delicious treats! I wish I lived closer to New York, so I could join you on your second walk. As for the unsolicited advice, that part really got me thinking. Next time I start a sentence with, “well, it’s none of my business, but…” I should just stop right there and not continue. Always lots of food for thought at the café! The next mystery to unpack is what happened to the fingers of the people in those illustrations…
I wish you could join our second walk too, Laura!
And good catch on the fingers. AI is getting better at distributing five digits per human hand, but it still messes up! Which I find very charming.
I would like to have an option in the survey - I don't give out unsolicited advice, but I can take it ;)
I guess I don't get offended that easily and I choose to believe it usually comes from a place of goodness from the giver, even if it's misplaced. And I'll usually process the advice and choose to take it or not myself, so in a way, there couldn't be a wrong unsolicited advice, only funny ones if it's so "off".
I do find it hard to know when is the really right time to give an important unsolicited advice. I fret over it especially with people I care about and I know is particularly sensitive!
Rachel, that is really the best of all possible combinations. I'd like to say that about myself And while I'm moving in that direction, I'm not quite there yet.
Any advice?
I take it that you're soliciting my advice? 😂
As I have said, trust that the unsolicited advice-giver means well, so there is no reason to get upset. If their advice is helpful, great; if not, then thank them for caring/trying and move on. This helps with the emotions part.
I find it interesting, too, to take the unsolicited advice as something to ponder about. Even if it doesn't help you, it may give insight to the person who gave it. It might also be a new paradigm or point of view that you never thought about. This is the fun, logical part! (I am typed “analyst,” so yes, it’s fun for me:))
Trusting that the person means well makes sense—in terms of improving how the situation feels, Rachel. And I love the idea of using the situation to gain insight into the advice giver! Thank you.
Hmm, as a bona fide hater of unsolicited advice, I found Dyske's responses to be mostly frustrating, but after reading the interview and calming myself down, I realized that I probably should make some exceptions when it comes to giving/receiving unsolicited advice. Exhibit A: sometimes when I get really angry, I tend to spout all of the unsolicited advice that I've been holding myself back from saying...definitely a sign that I, all too often, fail to live up to my inner vow to never give unsolicited advice and that I should instead seek out opportunities to kindly share that unsolicited advice when I'm calm. Anne, thanks for this interview...and for the advice!
It's a thorny issue for sure, Alan, which is why I wanted to talk about it and think about it.
I agree delivering unsolicited advice that must be delivered when it can be done calmly and kindly, is for sure better than blurting it out after weeks or months of trying to hold back.
Another rule of thumb for me is to wait until I'm calm and feeling some genuine affection for the other person before I do just about anything. And that is SO HARD!
Yea, tell me about it. Usually when I'm feeling calm and affectionate, the absolute last thing that I want to do is kill the vibe by providing unsolicited, constructive criticism, but alas, that moment is probably the perfect opportunity to do so...ay, ay, ay...10 years into my marriage, and I feel like I'm still learning the basics here...shout out to my emotionally stunted upbringing and to you Anne, my free therapist...you should charge for this...wait, you do! I should became a paid subscriber today!
LOL Looks like you just did! Yay thank you Alan!!!
I'm asked for advice often. I don't typically give unsolicited advice unless I think it's a matter of health or safety or if someone is getting defrauded.
To give really good advice I find that you have to make your own ego as small as possible. Ideally invisible. I also find that there's advice inflation. If you give advice too often, the listener is more likely to tune you out. Pick what's important.
"Advice inflation" that's a great term you've coined for what I am sure is an actual phenomenon, David!
I don't even give unsolicited advice when it comes to health. There's so much info out there these days on the health front, I figure the odds of the person not having heard it are roughly zero!
Health advice only to family and only from a trusted source.
There’s too much out there for me to pick. A person I know and trust would be welcome to give me advice on some health matters.
Oh dear. I feel like this is like the issue of me talking too much. I’m much better once I realised I had a problem. Which needed to be pushed in my face. Because we don’t see these things ourselves. I don’t think I’d realised there’s such a thing as ‘unsolicited advice’. I just open my mouth and stuff comes out. Though I do quickly realise when someone is not interested in discussing whatever I’m talking about. Hmmmm…. Autistic traits? We’re all somewhere on the spectrum. I’d normally just regard it as a direct mode of communication. My friends find it refreshing but others don’t. Intriguing. Thank you!
(Now I’ll go check out that Walks Substack. Sounds fascinating.)
Another cool post. Thanks so much Anne. Enjoy your week.
Beth, I remember when it first dawned on me that maybe people did not want to hear it. I was probably in my mid 20s and was home visiting my folks and telling my mom all about what she should and should not eat for maximum health (this was back when low-carb was just coming back into fashion). And she looked at me very steadily and said, "I'm glad you found what works for you, Anne."
Ooooh boy....
Haha! Yep, that sounds very familiar. Grin.
Love this discussion. Very satisfying read. I am big on giving unsolicited advice, but I think it’s mostly not smart to do it and have lately cooled on it. (Because I recently have wasted a lot of time giving good advice to a friend who I realized was emotional/passionate but had not put my finger on it the way you did, Dyske. She SEEMS like she values logic, but she is governed by feelings!) I often wish smart people would be brazen enough to give me advice. If you or Dyske have anything, lay it on me!
Haha wouldn't we all love to get advice just from smart people who know what they're talking about Courtney?
I have a few friends who told me, "I ALWAYS want your feedback, don't wait for me to request it!" I just tried making the same request from a friend of mine whose advice I really value and of course he a smart alec and started suggesting all kinds of nonsense.
I'm glad you agree this is a topic worth thinking about. I've thought about it a LOT.
Yes! And I don’t doubt your friends would like your input. They know you’re a thinky type who tries to be fair and whose take will be interesting to hear. This morning, it occurred to me that I remember almost every piece of tough advice anyone has ever said to me. Many of the things were so hard to hear at first that I spent some time hating the person who said it! So, it IS a tricky thing, giving unsolicited advice, but it’s also often life-changing. (I changed how/what I did because of these people.)
I walked into the article expecting to strongly disagree with the entire premise, but it sounds like Dyske gave you some very helpful unsolicited advice! And I was pleasantly surprised that he says he considers whether the person is actually capable of receiving the advice.
But *does* he consider it, really? His comment about giving advice that would hurt someone was, “Jesus, if I were you, I’d say it without a second thought.” That seems to show giving advice is more about his own ego, and not really about if it will help the person or if they are capable of receiving it.
I think there definitely are circumstances where unsolicited advice is helpful-- like his comments about your teaching! But so often the advice is usually so BAD and coming from a place of ignorance. I have been the recipient of so much horrible advice in the last year re: the job market, largely from people who are retired and have no idea how the world currently functions. That kind of unsolicited advice is such a waste of everyone's time and energy. We could all be doing better things with our time than having those conversations.
Oh wow you are bringing me back with those comments about job hunting advice, Emily. It's one of those areas of life where everyone thinks they know something, because just about everyone has some experience.
I after listening to Dyske and reading some of these comments I think I stand about where I did in the first place. Unsolicited advice CAN be helpful, but it's so rarely helpful and so difficult to say when it's helpful that its probably best to do it never.
It's also made me take a harder look at why I get so annoyed when it comes at me though. I'd like to be able to consider all advice (solicited or not) without having my feelings interfering with my judgement. Something to aim for!
Thoughs:
1. What about asking people. "May I share what I think about that and give you advice?" Of course, someone would say yes because they are kind, not because they really want to listen. But still, asking for permission is a great thing to cultivate.
2. I'm a huge listener and advise-giver. And I see how my idenity is also built on those features. Why? Yes, it does make me feel in control and feel wise. Also, I'm not really showing myself when I'm focusing on the other person, which feels safe (maybe too sfae?) I think for me a good exercise is listen less and talk more, and risk other people unsolicited advices. Maybe feel pissed off for a while, but probably learn more about myself. Also, learn to sift what is serving me and what is just not serving.
Sara, I DO often employ strategy #1, especially after I've had a friend complain about the same situation numerous times. The drawback of course is what you noted: they may say yes just to be polite. On the other hand, it can be a subtle way of signaling that you're feeling a bit fed up with the situation as well and would like to see a change as much as they do!
I also relate to #2. I did a big story maybe a year ago in which I interviewed "long talkers" about why they talk so damn much without listening.
https://annekadet.substack.com/p/talkers
I learned so much and ever since then I've done a lot more interrupting when things get out of balance. And its made everything more fun!
Hi Anne! So I already have a paid subscription, but with another email address which I don’t use for my Substack account , and I don’t know how to switch it, so I am just going to just subscribe here again for free :)
Sounds good! Thanks for being a paid subscriber Eric much appreciated!
And here I am, always telling my friends “honestly, I don’t know what advice to give you” 😂 but the reason I hate giving advice is that, if people follow it and things go wrong, then they can blame me and I don’t want that 😂
Haha, I think that's the difference between the advice givers and those who steer clear. I am always 100% certain that my advice will go well, Maja. In my defense, what I often advise is that the person slow down, get centered and learn how to tap their own inner wisdom, or get clear on what they want, rather than advising anything specific. I don't think you can go wrong with that!
I agree on that regard, but sometimes people want advice in terms of telling them exactly what to do, which I hate because 1) I don’t know what you should do and 2) if I tell you what to do and things to awry then it’s my fault 😅 heh, it’s a tough world hahah
‘Never get involved with someone who has more problems than you’ and ‘Never get involved with a work colleague because when it goes wrong you may lose your job as well.’ I got this advice from an old soak, who was one of my maternal grandfather’s drinking buddies when I was 15, and at 81 I still regard it as the best unsolicited advice I ever got. I shared the advice with my kids a little too late. 🐰
O L O, I don't know why but your first piece of (unsolicited!) advice made me laugh out loud!
And if I ever get another actual job I will remember your words of wisdom.
😊
Not my words Anne, but hand-me-downs back in 1959 from an old man called Joe who I must write about. A sad story. His other memorable piece of wisdom/advice was ‘You know that you have lost it when you start putting beer on your cornflakes.’ I have avoided cornflakes ever since.🐰
Oh, I am SO conflicted by this topic! I couldn't respond to your survey because I fall somewhere in between those choices. On the one hand, I have always disliked it when my brother and my boyfriend give me unsolicited advice ("mansplaining?"), since it generally sounds like criticism. I also don't like "know-it-alls" who speak with such authority and are never wrong in their own minds. The advice can actually be very unhelpful, wrong, or damaging. Yet on the other hand, I have a friend who tells me the same negative stories every time we speak on the phone, and never seems to do anything about it. I question whether I'm being a good friend by saying nothing, since there are times I want to scream from her refusal to do anything to improve her situation. Just saying "I'm sorry that's happening" for the 500th time doesn't seem to me like a supportive or honest response. But the really crazy hypocritical part is that I want to give her advice because I have also done nothing to improve some of my own issues, and I guess my advice is based on my own deep frustration at myself, and wishing that someone would tell me to JUST DO IT because I am desperate for that push. Yes, therapy is called for. Maybe it just comes down to this: only offer advice when asked, or ask the person if they want to hear your opinion (since that's all it is, an opinion). If they do want to hear it, try to be kind and truly helpful. A very interesting topic, as always, Anne!
Thanks Jill. And I love your comment because I think you probably summed up the experience of just about everyone on the planet!!
I will often do what you proposed, Jill, if I've heard a complaint numerous times. I ask if they want suggestions or feedback. The funny thing is, the person really can't say no without sounding insane, so I'm not sure if it's a legit strategy.
Anne - The comments seem pretty harsh. Dyske Suematsu is just acting according to his nature. He is what at one time would have been called a Butinski. I have a found and a good response to folks like him is to smile and say, "Who asked you?"
The smile is important because it visually conveys that you don't care about his opinion or his free advice.
Haha butkinski! It's a while since I heard that one Bob.
My usual response is typically to just thank the person and move on. Because I like to think their motive is one of being helpful or offering a gift rather than being critical. But your approach would be a lot more fun!