Captain Bayonne: The Masked Superhero Flippin' Out for Good Deeds
Plus! Items of Interest!! Substack the Cockroach Full Reveal!!!
Hello everyone,
Welcome to Issue #107 of CAFÉ ANNE!
Last week’s look at one of the city’s few remaining $1 slice pizza shops spurred some great ideas from readers for future CAFÉ ANNE escapades. Marina H., who referred to the dollar slice shop owners as “pizza heroes” suggested coming out to support them in a big way: "Let’s get a boom box and have a CAFÉ ANNE Dollar Pizza Flashmob!”
Not to be outdone, reader Amy suggested we lobby our city’s mayor. “Eric Adams can do one thing right and SUBSIDIZE THE DOLLAR PIZZA, goddamn it!” she wrote. “I think CAFÉ ANNE should launch a high-profile pressure campaign.”
I’ve put the newsletter’s new intern Substack the Cockroach in charge of both projects.
Speaking of which, here is a photo of said roach (as requested by reader Emily S.) conferring with my dog Minnie, CAFÉ ANNE’s chief copy editor. I believe they are conspiring to introduce the use of serial commas, which is useless, as I’m as anti-serial comma as they come.
In other news, a few weeks ago I posted a mini essay on Notes, Substack’s short-form posting platform, explaining why this newsletter has no paywalls, and never will. A lot of you already saw it, but for those still interested in learning more about the CAFÉ ANNE give-it-all-away philosophy, please check it out here.
Speaking of which, huge Viva-Flaco-the-Owl shoutouts to new paid subscribers Diane M., the mysterious asgilfen, and the even-more-mysterious cabk1, who all ponied up this past week to support our community. That’s enough $$$ for 15 Flaco tribute bouquets!
I am very excited for this week’s issue, of course. No time to write a new feature, but I’m rerunning a favorite I wrote back in 2022, when this newsletter had no readers. It’s a profile of flippin’-out superhero Captain Bayonne. Plus, fresh Items of Interest. Please enjoy.
Regards!
Anne
OPTIMISM: A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH
Wise, intellectual people of Substack: our young people need you to be optimists. Find out why and read other thought-provoking essays on Still Human.
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ITEMS OF INTEREST
Most Wholesome NYC Subway Moment Ever
This is Sort of Terrible But Made Me Laugh and Laugh
FEATURE
Captain Bayonne: The Masked Superhero Flippin’ Out for Good Deeds
When I spotted Captain Bayonne approaching our designated meeting spot at Columbia University last week, I burst out laughing. In addition to his usual Mexican wrestling mask and spandex tights, he was sporting a furry pink onesie.
“I’m just staying warm,” he said.
No one passing by seemed to notice his interesting outfit, but he’s used to being ignored. Most folks are glued to their phones, he said. “Like, there could be a dragon flying in the sky—they would have no idea.”
Where he does get plenty of attention is in Bayonne, NJ, the small city 13 miles south of Manhattan where he is celebrated as Captain Bayonne—the local superhero performing fantastic feats and good deeds.
But more on that later. At Columbia, he’s known simply as “the water bottle guy” for his daily sessions in front of the university library practicing a curious sport of his own invention. The activity involves grasping a plastic bottle between his feet and launching it into a trash bin 40 feet away.
“I'm happy to say I created this,” he said. “I call it either ‘Bottle Rockets,’ or ‘Flippin’ Out.’ Or ‘Bottle Rockets Flippin’ Out.’”
He invented the activity to promote another of his favorite pastimes, picking up litter.
“I thought an interesting way to try to get garbage into the garbage can was doing it with your feet,” he said. “I'm trying to get it to be a sport, like an Olympic sport. I've even pitched it to Gatorade, because they're my favorite bottle. And not much response.”
Flipping out is harder than it looks.
The day’s first attempt fell five feet short of the trash can, as did the second. Captain Bayonne paused to empty some water from his Gatorade bottle.
“Everything comes into play. The temperature, the amount of water, the wind,” he said. “If it’s too heavy, it’s hard to go the distance. If it’s too light, the wind blows it around. It’s like a lesson in physics.”
Eight more attempts produced eight more misses. The Captain tries to make ten baskets every day before he ends a session. Sometimes it takes more than 200 attempts to make all ten shots. The fewest was 75. He’s never made more than two shots in a row.
On the eleventh try, the bottle landed in the “glass, plastics and metal” bin with a satisfying thunk. I cheered, as did a nanny and her charge watching from afar.
The Captain’s skill is remarkable given the fact that he has two different size feet—his left foot is three sizes larger than the right.
When he was young, Captain Bayonne had a hard time maintaining his balance. Now, his foot skills know no boundaries.
“I’d like to open up a pizzeria where the pizza is made only with feet,” he said.
I observed that his chosen sport is perhaps the most pointless activity one could imagine.
“But when you think about it, most of life is pointless,” he said. “It really is! You work, you work, you work, you die. So what what happens in-between? What are you doing that brings you joy?”
He is hoping to inspire others. “If someone can do this—or finds something comparable to bring them happiness and joy—that’s the key,” he said. “Stop seeking out things that make you angry and upset.”
While the Captain has been “flippin’ out” on campus since 2015, few at Columbia know that the mysterious figure, who keeps his identity secret, is a university employee. The 50-year-old has worked at the undergraduate admissions office for 30 years.
I asked if he is also a superhero at the office.
“I tried to wear this at the office once,” he said of his spandex tights and mask. “And my supervisor at the time freaked out a little bit. He just wasn’t comfortable with it. So I didn't put it on again. It’s only when I'm on my lunch hour.”
I asked how long he plans to continue working at Columbia.
“I have another 50 years until I hit 100,” he said. “I don’t want to work beyond that.”
The Captain pressed on, practicing his shots. By the time he got to his thirtieth attempt, I was cold and hungry and suggested lunch at the diner around the corner.
Everyone at Tom’s Restaurant was amused and happy to see the Captain come in, including the waitress.
He ordered mozzarella sticks, one of the few dishes he can eat with his mask on. “They’re easy to jam in my pie hole,” he said.
He told me his back story over lunch. He grew up in Jersey City, a rough town at the time. His dad worked as a truck driver, then stopped working altogether; mom was a bank teller. He attended the same Catholic school from kindergarten though senior year, then spent a year studying theater at Florida State. He dropped out for financial reasons.
Back home, he got a job peddling a directory of consultants. “You had to pay to get in this book, and the book cost $1,000,” he said.
The gig lasted less than year, but he met his wife, a receptionist at the same company. They got married at city hall and will celebrate their 30-year anniversary in March.
He landed at Columbia soon after, and moved to Bayonne. He and his wife, who is disabled, have occupied the same two-bedroom apartment for 28 years.
If you haven’t been to Bayonne, population 65,000, you really should. It’s a small, blue-collar city filled with loudmouth New York types. There are few national chains—every store on Broadway, the main drag, is a donut shop or a barber shop.
“It’s got its quirkiness, but people are very honest,” the Captain said. “They tell you how they feel. There's no sugarcoating. Whether you like it or not, you're gonna get it, in a blast! And I can appreciate that.”
In 2010, overweight and out of shape, he started taking daily runs around Bayonne to train for a marathon—he’s run seven since then. He was nearly hit by a car one evening, and the driver advised him to wear something more visible. His solution: the now-infamous mask and tights.
His runs attracted attention as Bayonne residents tried to guess the identity of this strange masked sprinter racing cars between traffic lights.
Two locals, including a Bayonne firefighter, launched a Facebook tribute page and gave him a name: Captain Bayonne.
And then a funny thing happened. Residents started posting comments on the page, asking Captain Bayonne for help. He said yes.
He now works with local businesses to organize an annual toy drive for local kids. He’s sold Captain Bayonne teeshirts and mugs at the farmers’ market and used the proceeds to help folks like the local mom who needed help buying a van and wheelchair for her handicapped son. He’s raised money for fire and crime victims. He distributes candy at parades. He sat in the dunk tank to raise charity funds at the county fair.
And in return, he’s been celebrated by his neighbors. The Bayonne Bleeders, an area rock band, wrote a tribute song, the Ballad of Captain Bayonne. Shorty's, a local bar, named a drink after him, the "Captain Bayonne Cocktail." Local kids dress as Captain Bayonne for Halloween.
I asked about the difference between Captain Bayonne and the man behind the mask.
“Just pretty much the outfit,” he said. “The personality is the same. I just probably get more determined as Captain Bayonne, locked in as to what I need to do. It’s very helpful.”
I asked how life might feel if he didn’t have a superhero alter ego. He dodged the question.
“Above all else, when people see me, I hope it gives them joy,” said the Captain, who has nieces and nephews but can’t have kids. “I hope it makes them laugh. I don't care that you're laughing at me. I laugh with you.”
“I think there's a lot of people that just suppress who they are to conform to what the worldview or other people feelthey should be,” he added. “I don't care what anybody thinks. Accept me, don't accept me. You move on, I move on, we all move on. But to suppress who you are? I don't get that.”
Can anyone be a superhero?
“Everybody, every single person has something unique about them, that can be not only beneficial for themselves, but beneficial to people around them, if they just explore it and not suppress it,” he said. “That’s basically it.”
He is, by the way, not the only small-town superhero around.
“There was a Hoboken Batman for a while,” he said.
Any other rivals?
“I’m not sure he’s my rival, he lives in Pennsylvania, so I don't see him too often. You can look him up. Fart Man. He's got a green suit. He's originally from Bayonne but he moved to the Poconos. He sells time shares.”
And what’s next for the Captain?
“I'm not sure, but I'm excited to find out,” he said. “And you know, I haven't gotten hit by a car yet. So it definitely has worked.”
What would be your anonymous superhero name, costume or super power? Leave a comment or send me an email: annekadet@yahoo.com
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“If you can't be a good example, at least be a horrible warning.”
―Aileen Wuornos
CAFÉ ANNE is a free weekly newsletter created by Brooklyn journalist Anne Kadet. Subscribe to get the latest issue every Monday!
To paraphrase Shakespeare: there are more superheroes in heaven and earth, Anne, than are dreamt of in anyone's philosophy.
Hi Anne! Minnie is adorable! I beg to differ about no one reading your newsletter in 2022 since I definitely did, and loved this interview with Captain Bayonne! He truly is a hero in my book. So many great words of advice about not suppressing who you are just to be accepted (which I sometimes do, as a people pleaser), and to "stop seeking out things that make you angry and upset." But please don't sign me up for pizza made with feet (I actually have a problem with feet for some reason, especially in sandals, including my own!). Oops, were there too many commas in that last remark? If so, I apologize if I made you angry or upset. 😊 Serial commas and serial killers in one newsletter!!