Thanks for the prompt, Tina! I actually have been planning to write this up because a lot of people ask me about it. I can't write it up as an experiment because I've been doing it for seven years now, but maybe it'd be fun to do it as a FAQ! Please let me know if you have any specific questions!!
Reminds me of The Uniform Project in 2009 where the gal wore the same black dress every day for a year, but she added a lot of accessories, scarves, etc. And Steve Jobs is said to have worn the same outfit every day, less decisions, more time for important thoughts.
I wasn't too surprised to read that Anne is doing the same, and I look forward to her FAQ.
Katie, I hear this a lot—the person who has a "uniform" but varies it by the day with the clever use of accessories, or maybe wearing the same garment in different colors. I find this very puzzling! The whole point is to never, ever, ever have to think at all about what you are wearing!!
Yes! I totally agree. You mentioned recently that you eat the same food Monday through Friday. We do that too...for breakfast and lunch. Haven't yet convinced my husband that we could eat the same thing for supper each night as well, but I think it's a great idea.
I so so appreciate this, Anne! I am really working on radical honesty, but also radical compassion. Figuring out how the two can coexist is always a fun quandary. We teach kids in my elementary school that we should always tell the truth but to make sure it is KIND, NECESSARY and not sharing a secret that shouldn’t be shared. I think it’s a good rule of thumb for adults as well :-)
This is so great. I'm a radical honesty guy by nature, and as a result most people think I'm an asshole. I get away with it though because I'm funny.
Also, "I don't know" are three of the most honest, powerful, and liberating words in English. I utter them multiple times per day, which makes my asshole schtick work a lot better.
Amran, it's true that when you're funny you get a lot more leeway for honesty. Look at Fran Leibowitz! I think a big part of the appeal of comedy is us wanting to hear the truth in a way that does not suck.
Super cool that you are a fellow meditator and teach a meditation class, which I the way I learned more than 10 years ago -- from a teacher. Maybe this is one of the reasons why you have this great skill for discovering and writing about such fun and wide ranging subjects? Because you're open to different viewpoints in a way that doesn't have you so attached to whether the person you are writing about is "right" or "wrong." I really enjoy your fun sense of honest curiosity and non-judgement about the subjects in your newsletter.
Wow, you really put yourself through the wringer for this one! Lying really does seem to be the social lubricant that keeps us all from hating each other.
I love this so much, Anne! Post-head/brain injury I've become a very direct person and am grateful when others are direct with me because being on the receiving end of indirectness can confuse the heck out of me. I know directness and honesty aren't the same, but they're cousins. Sometimes, even though I've requested it!, the directness can hurt my feelings. But at least I always understand what's actually going on. Haha. Beautifully written. So many compelling layers to this. Also: being honest in text/social media is different than being honest verbally--no intonation! Makes things much more complicated. I'm loving this Department of Personal Experimentation!
You actually brought up one conclusion I made after wrapping this experiment. If I'm going to be direct/honest, do it in person, NEVER in an email or text! Both of the hurtful I exchanges I recounted in the story were prompted by a text, and a third that I did not have room to include happened because of an email I sent.
I'll also have to reflect on the difference between directness and honesty.
I was sooo happy that Anne Kadet liked one of MY posts.
A schlub like me...
And now I find out that you probably just clicked "like" to make me feel good. Or you couldn't find the "I acknowledge and affirm your existence." button.
Jeez Louise...To say I'm twice as unhappy, than I was happy is an understatement. 😘
I imagine a truly skillful practitioner could deliver all kinds of truths all day long without hurting anyone's feelings. I'm for sure not there yet, not even close. Something to aim for....
Comments that DESERVE TWO RESPONSES ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN IMO...EXCELLENT. My favorite part of this comment of yours (I am not a fan of absolutes) is you manage three absolutes in the same sentence (all / 100% / entirely) -- now that is a great sentence!!!
uh oh - can of worms has been opened. I would like to reword Anne's response (without asking for permission btw) as follows -
"I imagine a truly skillful practitioner could deliver communication that is respectful, accurate, and non-harming all day long without hurting anyone's feelings. I'm for sure not there yet, not even close. Something to aim for...."
Of course Anne can disagree with me....and/or delete this if she disagrees!
a) I was born a very honest person, tiringly honest- just the way I'm wired. Sensitive to others too, again, just the way I'm wired.
But when I was a teen it became not enough. Honesty clashed with sensitivity somehow, I guess, in any case I didn't like it.
I noticed that I might feel one thing, think a bit different thing then, then by the time I say it it changes yet again.
I wanted then to become as authentic as possible(I didn't know the word "authentic" yet, I'm from a different country/different times), so I decided: I gonna shrink the distance between all them stages, as much as I can, they ask me something ?-I even skip what I think, I answer what I feel at the moment.
That experiment didn't go well. Like, at all.
b) "Brutal honesty’ is too often the preserve of brutes - and too seldom honesty in any case".( don't remember who said it-but I agree, to the point I saved this quote)
c) wow, people really talk about their feelings here more. I kinda know that, but it always surprises me anew.
d) I hate smiley faces -some less, some more-I do often "like" something though because that's the only thing I can do, or because I acknowledge, or because something is well-written-I might disagree with this and that, but well-written is well-written.
Chen, I was born a little too "honest" myself. I was shocked again and again as a kid and teen and even in college and in my early 20s when I'd just say whatever I was thinking and then be told ANNE you can't SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.
And you know what? They were right! I had to learn how to tone it down to get along in the world and not act, as you say, like a brute.
So this week of no lying was actually a sort of return to the person I used to be, now that I think about it.
It's great to hear you've had a similar experience in life.
First off, "United Axis of Filth" will now be my band name, so big thanks to Eric Adams and to Anne for that!
Secondly, what a great write up on your Week of Mostly Not Lying. It's so tough! We want to be authentic, but lying makes life so much easier. I see lying as an essential component of my job (e.g. "Tony" won't do a task if just ask him, but if I say my boss wants it done, he finishes it pronto). And who among us would not lie on a job interview if asked, "Do you use X software?" when you know you could familiarize yourself with the software before taking on the job.
And why *do* we playact little lies when chatting with our friends? Like your example with the roommates-- there truly seems no purpose to that, yet I'm sure I've done something very similar... Thanks for all the food for thought! I'm going to be mulling this over all week.
LOL Emily! That SHOULD have been the headline: "My Week of Mostly Not Lying."
So yean, I know so many people who only got their jobs because they bs'd their way in and it worked out great. And just about every editor I know issues fake deadlines. And on and on.
Oh, and you know, right, that there already is a band named United Axis of Filth. Several readers pointed this out.But I did not know. And I suspect the mayor did not know either!
Ahh, bummer about the band name! It's such a good one.
And yes, fake deadlines are an essential component of my life. But in a way, maybe it's because I'm more honest about other people's limitations than they can be with themselves? And in a way doesn't that make THEM the liars? haha
If I told you this was a great experiment, would you believe me? I hope so! I really enjoyed this post, Anne. It was funny, but it was more than funny because you stopped to question all the routine lies we tell and demand others tell just to make society function. It's good to be honest and it's important to tell the truth, but maybe we shouldn't be too honest or tell too much truth all at once.
Thank you Mr. Estrin! I think the one thing I really liked about this story is how much it surprised ME!
Part of what I think is happening is that when you tell a truth that is painful to the other person, you are sort of negating a larger truth—the truth of how much you love and care for and do not want to hurt that person.
I am sure there are people who manage to phrase everything in just the right way so that they can be honest in a way that is only helpful, not hurtful. But I am not there yet. So until then I've got to keep my mouth shut!
Another fabulous edition! I always love reading about your "weird" mayor. "Normal" people have always creeped me out a little. And the story about Sally Long Dog -- priceless. Next: just YESTERDAY I read about Junior's; somebody who lived in Staten Island told how he took the ferry, the subway, plus a number of walks inbetween to get a slice of cheesecake from Junior's. It was printed in the NYT's Metropolitan Diary. I had some context! And then -- your exercise to follow a task you've set for yourself for a whole week. And share with us what you've learned. This is simply awesome. Honestly!
I expect this is not the last we've heard from Sally Long Dog!
About Junior's: a lot of people love to trash their cheesecake because it's supposed to be the best and of course everyone wants to be seen as someone who knows better than everybody else. But it really is insanely and consistently great! I hope you get to try it!
Glad you enjoyed the experiment! I am glad it's over!
I'm going to try to "not lie' for one day! Depending on how that goes I will try another day. One day at a time. Thanks for the inspiration (and that is the truth!).
Oh, goodness. I thought this sounded like a no-brainer easy challenge to try out, but then as I read your essay I realized how much I drop little lies here and there. I feel like if I tried to do this I would just ended up lying even more out of sheer panic.
So funny! Something about your note just now is inspiring me Jeanette. Yes, it WAS a lot harder than expected and I think for that reason I will try repeating this experiment in a very mindful way maybe at least for a half day every week. Because it really did wake me up to the sheer volume of lies I tell and I'd like to stop!
Yes, baby steps! Isn't it interesting how incredibly difficult it is to be mindful, even for short periods? I was (over)thinking about how much of my reactive answers to people are lies as well: How are you? Great, how are you? etc. 🤪
Please, please, please write up your journey to wearing the same thing every day. This speaks to me so hard, but I’d have no idea how to go about it!
Thanks for the prompt, Tina! I actually have been planning to write this up because a lot of people ask me about it. I can't write it up as an experiment because I've been doing it for seven years now, but maybe it'd be fun to do it as a FAQ! Please let me know if you have any specific questions!!
Oh yea!!! Okay, let me FA some Qs:
1. What led you to try this experiment?
2. How did you find the right outfit? (And did you go through many iterations before doing so?)
3. a) Do people ever notice? b) If so, do you care?
4. Do you ever deviate?
5. What advice would you give someone interested in trying this same experiment?
Oh I love these questions and will for sure address them all when I do this story. Many thanks Tina!
I’d like to second this request - I’m so curious! Great questions, Tina.
Okay! It's on the schedule. Thank you Amy!
Reminds me of The Uniform Project in 2009 where the gal wore the same black dress every day for a year, but she added a lot of accessories, scarves, etc. And Steve Jobs is said to have worn the same outfit every day, less decisions, more time for important thoughts.
I wasn't too surprised to read that Anne is doing the same, and I look forward to her FAQ.
Katie, I hear this a lot—the person who has a "uniform" but varies it by the day with the clever use of accessories, or maybe wearing the same garment in different colors. I find this very puzzling! The whole point is to never, ever, ever have to think at all about what you are wearing!!
Yes! I totally agree. You mentioned recently that you eat the same food Monday through Friday. We do that too...for breakfast and lunch. Haven't yet convinced my husband that we could eat the same thing for supper each night as well, but I think it's a great idea.
Later this month I am going to try a meal delivery service which means NO COOKING AT ALL. Very excited!
+1! Although, I imagine it might not be very interesting since it was such a successful experiment.
I so so appreciate this, Anne! I am really working on radical honesty, but also radical compassion. Figuring out how the two can coexist is always a fun quandary. We teach kids in my elementary school that we should always tell the truth but to make sure it is KIND, NECESSARY and not sharing a secret that shouldn’t be shared. I think it’s a good rule of thumb for adults as well :-)
Haha Katy if you had just told me this at the start it would have saved me a lot of trouble!!
This is so great. I'm a radical honesty guy by nature, and as a result most people think I'm an asshole. I get away with it though because I'm funny.
Also, "I don't know" are three of the most honest, powerful, and liberating words in English. I utter them multiple times per day, which makes my asshole schtick work a lot better.
Amran, it's true that when you're funny you get a lot more leeway for honesty. Look at Fran Leibowitz! I think a big part of the appeal of comedy is us wanting to hear the truth in a way that does not suck.
Very true!
Oh man, I HATE radical honesty.
Actually, that wasn't so bad... :-)
Glad you got that out of your system, Mr. Jensen!
Super cool that you are a fellow meditator and teach a meditation class, which I the way I learned more than 10 years ago -- from a teacher. Maybe this is one of the reasons why you have this great skill for discovering and writing about such fun and wide ranging subjects? Because you're open to different viewpoints in a way that doesn't have you so attached to whether the person you are writing about is "right" or "wrong." I really enjoy your fun sense of honest curiosity and non-judgement about the subjects in your newsletter.
Wow, thank you fellow meditator LH!
I could go on and on about the benefits of meditating. It also made me better at pool!
Meditation has made me better at almost everything.
I will hit my 10 year Meditation-i-versary on the 9th November this year. Can't think of a single thing that has changed my life more!
I now work for Sam Harris' Waking Up App -- lmk if you want a free 30 days ;)
https://www.jasonchatfield.com/blog/waking-up-app-portraits
Wow, you really put yourself through the wringer for this one! Lying really does seem to be the social lubricant that keeps us all from hating each other.
It's true Rob! This experiment taught me a lot!
How do I know you really mean that though?
I love this so much, Anne! Post-head/brain injury I've become a very direct person and am grateful when others are direct with me because being on the receiving end of indirectness can confuse the heck out of me. I know directness and honesty aren't the same, but they're cousins. Sometimes, even though I've requested it!, the directness can hurt my feelings. But at least I always understand what's actually going on. Haha. Beautifully written. So many compelling layers to this. Also: being honest in text/social media is different than being honest verbally--no intonation! Makes things much more complicated. I'm loving this Department of Personal Experimentation!
Thank you Jane!
You actually brought up one conclusion I made after wrapping this experiment. If I'm going to be direct/honest, do it in person, NEVER in an email or text! Both of the hurtful I exchanges I recounted in the story were prompted by a text, and a third that I did not have room to include happened because of an email I sent.
I'll also have to reflect on the difference between directness and honesty.
The other day you liked one of my posts.
I was sooo happy that Anne Kadet liked one of MY posts.
A schlub like me...
And now I find out that you probably just clicked "like" to make me feel good. Or you couldn't find the "I acknowledge and affirm your existence." button.
Jeez Louise...To say I'm twice as unhappy, than I was happy is an understatement. 😘
Kidding, obvs. Loved the article, Anne!
Haha thanks PAUL MACKO
I acknowledge and affirm your existence.
LOL!
thats amazing she avoids my stuff like Chernobyl
LOL
You just have to get her to affirm your existence, Appleton...
ya shes gets her cues from "ahoron" 🤣🤣😉
Also, people are not mentioning the art because they are FRIGHTENED of it. Speak up, COWARDS (you guys go first).
Still processing it, Aharon! It would make a great tattoo btw
To his credit, your "friend" Mr. Appleton King did call out one of illustrations in a note:
https://substack.com/@appletonking/note/c-42772189?utm_source=activity_item
Hi Anne - While on retreat contemplate the phrase "skillful speech"....
Right?
I imagine a truly skillful practitioner could deliver all kinds of truths all day long without hurting anyone's feelings. I'm for sure not there yet, not even close. Something to aim for....
This is the old subjective / objective trap. Do you believe, in all cases, truth is objective ?
No I actually believe all phenomena are 100% an entirely subjective experience. Discuss!
Comments that DESERVE TWO RESPONSES ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN IMO...EXCELLENT. My favorite part of this comment of yours (I am not a fan of absolutes) is you manage three absolutes in the same sentence (all / 100% / entirely) -- now that is a great sentence!!!
LOL
Sounds fun. I can tell you've carefully considered this. My chance to learn!!!
uh oh - can of worms has been opened. I would like to reword Anne's response (without asking for permission btw) as follows -
"I imagine a truly skillful practitioner could deliver communication that is respectful, accurate, and non-harming all day long without hurting anyone's feelings. I'm for sure not there yet, not even close. Something to aim for...."
Of course Anne can disagree with me....and/or delete this if she disagrees!
A working description of what a SKILLFUL politician might be aiming for. Use the full 90 seconds and not answer the question :)
a) I was born a very honest person, tiringly honest- just the way I'm wired. Sensitive to others too, again, just the way I'm wired.
But when I was a teen it became not enough. Honesty clashed with sensitivity somehow, I guess, in any case I didn't like it.
I noticed that I might feel one thing, think a bit different thing then, then by the time I say it it changes yet again.
I wanted then to become as authentic as possible(I didn't know the word "authentic" yet, I'm from a different country/different times), so I decided: I gonna shrink the distance between all them stages, as much as I can, they ask me something ?-I even skip what I think, I answer what I feel at the moment.
That experiment didn't go well. Like, at all.
b) "Brutal honesty’ is too often the preserve of brutes - and too seldom honesty in any case".( don't remember who said it-but I agree, to the point I saved this quote)
c) wow, people really talk about their feelings here more. I kinda know that, but it always surprises me anew.
d) I hate smiley faces -some less, some more-I do often "like" something though because that's the only thing I can do, or because I acknowledge, or because something is well-written-I might disagree with this and that, but well-written is well-written.
forgot the letter) thank you, Anne
Chen, I was born a little too "honest" myself. I was shocked again and again as a kid and teen and even in college and in my early 20s when I'd just say whatever I was thinking and then be told ANNE you can't SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.
And you know what? They were right! I had to learn how to tone it down to get along in the world and not act, as you say, like a brute.
So this week of no lying was actually a sort of return to the person I used to be, now that I think about it.
It's great to hear you've had a similar experience in life.
First off, "United Axis of Filth" will now be my band name, so big thanks to Eric Adams and to Anne for that!
Secondly, what a great write up on your Week of Mostly Not Lying. It's so tough! We want to be authentic, but lying makes life so much easier. I see lying as an essential component of my job (e.g. "Tony" won't do a task if just ask him, but if I say my boss wants it done, he finishes it pronto). And who among us would not lie on a job interview if asked, "Do you use X software?" when you know you could familiarize yourself with the software before taking on the job.
And why *do* we playact little lies when chatting with our friends? Like your example with the roommates-- there truly seems no purpose to that, yet I'm sure I've done something very similar... Thanks for all the food for thought! I'm going to be mulling this over all week.
LOL Emily! That SHOULD have been the headline: "My Week of Mostly Not Lying."
So yean, I know so many people who only got their jobs because they bs'd their way in and it worked out great. And just about every editor I know issues fake deadlines. And on and on.
It really is a very strange world!
Oh, and you know, right, that there already is a band named United Axis of Filth. Several readers pointed this out.But I did not know. And I suspect the mayor did not know either!
Ahh, bummer about the band name! It's such a good one.
And yes, fake deadlines are an essential component of my life. But in a way, maybe it's because I'm more honest about other people's limitations than they can be with themselves? And in a way doesn't that make THEM the liars? haha
I was hoping "Sally Long Dog" would be New York City's new official cocktail.
(For his next move, Eric Adams absolutely should invent an official New York City cocktail. Manhattans are gross.)
I'll be brutally honest! If you stopped hating poetry so much, maybe you could write a haiku with the correct number of syllables.
What?
5-7-5
Oh, it should have said peanut butter and jam. Will fix!
I love "Sally Long Dog" as the new official cocktail. Truth!!
But what would it be made of?
Actually I know, because I invented a cocktail once. A Sally Long Dog® is Wyborowa Rose Vodka, grapefruit juice and grenadine.
All rights reserved
Further research shows that this is a modified version of the Greyhound, or possibly a Salty Dog without the salt:
https://camillestyles.com/food/grapefruit-vodka-cocktail/
Mine is best because of the rose and grenadine. But it's definitely a dog
If I was still drinking I'd be all over this, Rigsby!
If I told you this was a great experiment, would you believe me? I hope so! I really enjoyed this post, Anne. It was funny, but it was more than funny because you stopped to question all the routine lies we tell and demand others tell just to make society function. It's good to be honest and it's important to tell the truth, but maybe we shouldn't be too honest or tell too much truth all at once.
Thank you Mr. Estrin! I think the one thing I really liked about this story is how much it surprised ME!
Part of what I think is happening is that when you tell a truth that is painful to the other person, you are sort of negating a larger truth—the truth of how much you love and care for and do not want to hurt that person.
I am sure there are people who manage to phrase everything in just the right way so that they can be honest in a way that is only helpful, not hurtful. But I am not there yet. So until then I've got to keep my mouth shut!
Another fabulous edition! I always love reading about your "weird" mayor. "Normal" people have always creeped me out a little. And the story about Sally Long Dog -- priceless. Next: just YESTERDAY I read about Junior's; somebody who lived in Staten Island told how he took the ferry, the subway, plus a number of walks inbetween to get a slice of cheesecake from Junior's. It was printed in the NYT's Metropolitan Diary. I had some context! And then -- your exercise to follow a task you've set for yourself for a whole week. And share with us what you've learned. This is simply awesome. Honestly!
Thanks Jessica!
I expect this is not the last we've heard from Sally Long Dog!
About Junior's: a lot of people love to trash their cheesecake because it's supposed to be the best and of course everyone wants to be seen as someone who knows better than everybody else. But it really is insanely and consistently great! I hope you get to try it!
Glad you enjoyed the experiment! I am glad it's over!
I'm going to try to "not lie' for one day! Depending on how that goes I will try another day. One day at a time. Thanks for the inspiration (and that is the truth!).
Better wear your helmet, Helen!
And I'd love to hear how it goes!
Oh, goodness. I thought this sounded like a no-brainer easy challenge to try out, but then as I read your essay I realized how much I drop little lies here and there. I feel like if I tried to do this I would just ended up lying even more out of sheer panic.
So funny! Something about your note just now is inspiring me Jeanette. Yes, it WAS a lot harder than expected and I think for that reason I will try repeating this experiment in a very mindful way maybe at least for a half day every week. Because it really did wake me up to the sheer volume of lies I tell and I'd like to stop!
Yes, baby steps! Isn't it interesting how incredibly difficult it is to be mindful, even for short periods? I was (over)thinking about how much of my reactive answers to people are lies as well: How are you? Great, how are you? etc. 🤪