Great premise. I’m torn between the advice on boiling and caring. I think the answer’s carefully boiling them.
Since I’m childfree and talkative, I’ll throw in: gently media train them. It’s much less of a hassle than explaining that the Earth’s core isn’t full of lizardmen plotting to tank birthrates.
Anne, those items of interest are great!! That guy on the bike IS New York City!! He’s the definition!! I love the airport generator; esp. that it’s random! That squirrel is proof that humans are NOT the most intelligent creatures on the earth!
Since my boys are out of the house, I've taken over their bathroom (my wife threw me out of ours, actually!" I was reminded of the MAIN role of parents by an amateurish sign I'd posted in their BR long ago: a reminder of sorts to them and me...parents are in the business of putting old heads on young shoulders...I stole the saying from the movie, "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie." https://youtu.be/crJnW0UU2Ak
“A childless person advising a parent on how to raise kids, is, of course, like a civilian advising a soldier in battle.”
Every parent was a “childless person” before having kids: and it shows. None of us knew sh-t about how to raise kids (mothers are more suited to good parenting; two females raising a child is way better than a male and a female!). The best motto for being a good parent is in the Hippocratic Oath for doctors: “Do No Harm.” Less parenting is better parenting. Stress a very few points with your kids, like no drugs, no criminal behavior (unless they choose that as a vocation), try to throw-up in the toilet, the crowd is more often wrong than right and the most important, BE KIND!
“One morning (and it will be soon), when everyone wakes up as a writer, the age of universal deafness and incomprehension will ensue.”
Writing is hardly an escape from reality. It's a way of understanding it. Or as E.L. Doctorow put it: “Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
Bit late to the peeling debate, but I had a colleague who used to snap his bananas in half, reasoning that he never wanted a full banana, and by snapping them (he was really good at it, I've got a video) he then had half a banana still in its skin for later.
I do this every day. Never knew it was a special skill. Btw it’s also very easy to cut one up if you peel a part off and then slice it up inside the rest of the peel. Just sayin’….
(1) Enjoy your week off (2) I am considering stepping away from Substack to see whether it becomes more or less Social Media like so continued good luck and best wishes for your writing (3) Milan Kundera quote is fun -- a great author of import -- the best part is it was likely plucked from some sort of social media purpose-built to make the rando an expert and feel worthy to be listened to and share their lunch photos -- thunderous irony is fun (4) It must be a glorious thing to be Aharon -- his input (and insight) is sought multiple times, his age. location, or occupation is of no import and he may be referenced akin to Bono or Cher. The only question -- is it a nom de plume?
“PS I am taking next week off to enjoy a mini-retreat and also to “take” “care” “of” “some” “things.”
Boy, I got a shiver when I read “take” “care” of “some” “things.” You defined the cycle of life with that statement: “taking care of some things” and then “taking care of some OTHER things,” rinse and repeat. I hope that your statement refers to a situation that you would see in the movies, “The Godfather,” “Goodfellas” or on “The Sopranos” because once you’ve taken care of them, they’re gone! https://youtu.be/Sv0Hp_nAsCI
Love this. When they’re really young, the worst part about having kids is taking them to places where there are OPKs. Other People’s Kids are horrible.
OPKs! Love this way of referring to the phenomenon, Bryan.
It's funny, the older I get the more I find I enjoy OPKs. Even when they are acting crazy. Actually, *especially* when they are acting crazy. They are just so funny, and I am glad also they are going home with the Other People and not with me. :)
“No surprise, then, that when these people offer parenting advice, it’s often aimed at making the presence of other people’s children less annoying to themselves.”
Geezus, isn’t that what allows every newborn to avoid being left out on the mountaintop, to sink or swim? If childless parents think kids are annoying, then they’re paying attention; they’re MORE than annoying: how would you like to have those children annoying you 24/7 for the rest of your life? Then become a parent!!
Fun reading! My wife and I have three daughters, all grown now. They are all good people who still like us. I think that is the goal. Yes, we made plenty of mistakes. We are human. [I mostly followed my wife's example. She was an exceptionally wise parent.] Here is my two cents In hindsight.
Make sure they know you love them. Say it. Show it.
Set sensible boundaries and enforce them (there will tantrums and battles of will.) Pick your battles. Try not to loose your temper.
Train them to behave and be kind.
Remember, they are children, not adults. They will act immature at times.
Each child is an individual. What works for one will not necessarily work for another.
Encourage and allow them to become independent.
Let them play. Play with them. Enjoy them.
It will go faster than you can imagine. Enjoy every age and moment.
I usually try to be funny in my replies. I must have been in a weird mood when I wrote this. 🧐 But I know how much people enjoy unsolicited advice. So I thought I would give some. 🤣 I am sort of cringing, reading it again. Who is this arrogant know-it-all? 🙄🤣
Mark I'm ambivalent on the "grandparent" issue. My wife on the other hand wants grand-babies!!! If I do end up with grandchildren, I want them to call me, "Little Father." That's from the 1939 movie, Ninotchka https://youtu.be/qFOp7gSiC0I
If they are twins I want them to be named Sam and Patty...you know, Samanpatty (Salmon Patty!). Or else "Wanda Fae," or "Arletta" after Cool Hand Luke's mother. https://youtu.be/Rg3ZxrO0XD4
Grandkids are great. You can play with them, spoil them, and then give them back. 🤣 When she was pregnant, my oldest daughter asked me what I wanted to be called. And I said, "Grandpa. I earned it." Then when my first grandson got old enough to call me something he started calling me Booka. 🤣 We have no idea where that came from. But I grew to like it. Obviously, he outgrew that (he's 16 now) and calls me Grandpa.
Thanks. I honestly owe any parenting skill I had to my wife. She had an amazing, instinctual wisdom about parenting. I just followed her lead. Most of the time. We did have ocassional differences of opinions on some things. 😉
My mum always told me the piece of advice her (childfree) first boss gave her before she had kids: 'The best thing that you can do for your children is to make them socially acceptable to other people.' I wonder if I ever was? Socially acceptable to other people, I mean. 🤔
And Allen Farmelo, 53, cranky journalist? Respect!
So interesting Rebecca! Did your mum think that was good advice?
My parents were outwardly conservative but both oddly rebellious in their own ways, and I think they passed that on to me, not putting much stock in being "acceptable." I am grateful for that, but as I've gotten older I've found it's nice to have the option of behaving in an acceptable fashion and to know what that means in certain situations.
I have sought clarification this very afternoon, Anne! Mum has told me that what her boss had said hadn't been advice, but 'about children in general'. In reply to my question: 'And how do you think you did?', she laughed like a drain. This was followed by (direct quote - I wrote it down as she said it): 'Well, I seem to have two unsociable children*, so perhaps I didn't expose them enough to other people. But you weren't screaming kids. I can think of several children who were not socially acceptable - I will name no names'.
*she is absolutely right on this point. 😉
I agree with you, Anne, that it's nice to know what acceptable is - however we choose to behave! 🤣
I don't rage against women who choose not to have children; I'm happy for them, that for whatever reason, they saw though it. You see, marriage to a man, is unfair to begin with. Mothers got their sons used to a certain lifestyle and that is corrupting; men don't share in the childcare and, in fact, are big-children. Women are self-sufficient creatures that have been conned into marrying a man and having children.
I'm hearing more and more a rebellion to this, actually! A few months ago on Instagram, there was a thread or two that came up around how men are thought of almost as children in the parenting scene. How mom's who say they're going away on holiday or a break for a bit are looked at like they punted their own children!
Like "how DARE you abandon your child!!" And the women are like, ".... I made these children WITH this man. He is an adult. He is capable."
Another woman brought up how she left her husband with the kids and he received meals from family and friends each day she was gone like he was unable to feed himself or the kids. And of course, the mother never got such treatment just by being a daily mom to the kiddos!
“PS I am taking next week off to enjoy a mini-retreat and also to “take” “care” “of” “some” “things.”
Boy, I got a shiver when I read “take” “care” of “some” “things.” You defined the cycle of life with that statement: “taking care of some things” and then “taking care of some OTHER things,” rinse and repeat. I hope that your statement refers to a situation that you would see in the movies, “The Godfather,” “Goodfellas” or on “The Sopranos” because once you’ve taken care of them, they’re gone! https://youtu.be/Sv0Hp_nAsCI
“Bring them to church. The church I take my mother to, the priest asks the kids to come to the front of the church, and he asks them questions. You can tell from the answers they give that they were raised right—the respect they have for people.”
OMG!! Don’t get me started…to be a good parent, keep religion out of it…religion is nothing but a marketing tool for intolerance…Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a good adult must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Great premise. I’m torn between the advice on boiling and caring. I think the answer’s carefully boiling them.
Since I’m childfree and talkative, I’ll throw in: gently media train them. It’s much less of a hassle than explaining that the Earth’s core isn’t full of lizardmen plotting to tank birthrates.
The nice thing about lobsters is they do not need to be media trained before they are boiled.
I’ve been teaching my dinner AP style for no reason.
Anne, those items of interest are great!! That guy on the bike IS New York City!! He’s the definition!! I love the airport generator; esp. that it’s random! That squirrel is proof that humans are NOT the most intelligent creatures on the earth!
Both comments are hilarious and perfect!!
Since my boys are out of the house, I've taken over their bathroom (my wife threw me out of ours, actually!" I was reminded of the MAIN role of parents by an amateurish sign I'd posted in their BR long ago: a reminder of sorts to them and me...parents are in the business of putting old heads on young shoulders...I stole the saying from the movie, "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie." https://youtu.be/crJnW0UU2Ak
Here is the posted sign: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SOa_5B2WEgc5MPjT_XuO1T1m5yLUgmi_/view?usp=sharing
“A childless person advising a parent on how to raise kids, is, of course, like a civilian advising a soldier in battle.”
Every parent was a “childless person” before having kids: and it shows. None of us knew sh-t about how to raise kids (mothers are more suited to good parenting; two females raising a child is way better than a male and a female!). The best motto for being a good parent is in the Hippocratic Oath for doctors: “Do No Harm.” Less parenting is better parenting. Stress a very few points with your kids, like no drugs, no criminal behavior (unless they choose that as a vocation), try to throw-up in the toilet, the crowd is more often wrong than right and the most important, BE KIND!
Still reeling from that Kundera quote
Laura, I know!!! I laugh every time I recall it. And not totally in a good way!
“One morning (and it will be soon), when everyone wakes up as a writer, the age of universal deafness and incomprehension will ensue.”
Writing is hardly an escape from reality. It's a way of understanding it. Or as E.L. Doctorow put it: “Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
Now THAT is a great quote!
"When you stop seeing your kids as problems, they stop being problems.”
Classic no-kids parenting advice. Would love for you, my friend, to parent my kids for a day and see how that goes.
"I think my advice is that your kid will never be able to control their world, and you'll never be able to control the world, so stop trying.”
Great advice!! Of course, it came from a TEACHER! She KNOWS!!
Bit late to the peeling debate, but I had a colleague who used to snap his bananas in half, reasoning that he never wanted a full banana, and by snapping them (he was really good at it, I've got a video) he then had half a banana still in its skin for later.
Whoa! Dave, is this video available online?
yup! https://vimeo.com/user303703/how-to-snap-a-banana
Amazing! Thank you Dave!
I do this every day. Never knew it was a special skill. Btw it’s also very easy to cut one up if you peel a part off and then slice it up inside the rest of the peel. Just sayin’….
Whoa this one went way beyond my spatial-cognition abilities Maria. But thanks for boggling my mind.
another colleague had a try - it's not as easy as it looks, apparently! https://vimeo.com/user303703/how-not-to-snap-a-banana
Ha yes! That's more along the lines of what I envisioned...
(1) Enjoy your week off (2) I am considering stepping away from Substack to see whether it becomes more or less Social Media like so continued good luck and best wishes for your writing (3) Milan Kundera quote is fun -- a great author of import -- the best part is it was likely plucked from some sort of social media purpose-built to make the rando an expert and feel worthy to be listened to and share their lunch photos -- thunderous irony is fun (4) It must be a glorious thing to be Aharon -- his input (and insight) is sought multiple times, his age. location, or occupation is of no import and he may be referenced akin to Bono or Cher. The only question -- is it a nom de plume?
Mr. Dolan!
1. Thank you I WILL!
2. Noooo do not depart noooo!!
3. The Milan Kundera quote is from his novel "The Book of Laughter and Forgetting" which I just finished reading. But nice try!
4. I have long suspected Aharon of having a fake name but he insists it's on his birth certificate. We'll let him cherish his little discerption.
"Don't have kids! Get a dog instead. Life is much so easier without them."
OMG I’ve had both and it’s a draw in the PIA department!
“PS I am taking next week off to enjoy a mini-retreat and also to “take” “care” “of” “some” “things.”
Boy, I got a shiver when I read “take” “care” of “some” “things.” You defined the cycle of life with that statement: “taking care of some things” and then “taking care of some OTHER things,” rinse and repeat. I hope that your statement refers to a situation that you would see in the movies, “The Godfather,” “Goodfellas” or on “The Sopranos” because once you’ve taken care of them, they’re gone! https://youtu.be/Sv0Hp_nAsCI
1. nom de Aharon
2. inglorious, tho
Love this. When they’re really young, the worst part about having kids is taking them to places where there are OPKs. Other People’s Kids are horrible.
OPKs! Love this way of referring to the phenomenon, Bryan.
It's funny, the older I get the more I find I enjoy OPKs. Even when they are acting crazy. Actually, *especially* when they are acting crazy. They are just so funny, and I am glad also they are going home with the Other People and not with me. :)
EXACTLY!!! That is the joy of grandchildren...they go the hell home!!!
OPK's that's a keeper!!
“No surprise, then, that when these people offer parenting advice, it’s often aimed at making the presence of other people’s children less annoying to themselves.”
Geezus, isn’t that what allows every newborn to avoid being left out on the mountaintop, to sink or swim? If childless parents think kids are annoying, then they’re paying attention; they’re MORE than annoying: how would you like to have those children annoying you 24/7 for the rest of your life? Then become a parent!!
Fun reading! My wife and I have three daughters, all grown now. They are all good people who still like us. I think that is the goal. Yes, we made plenty of mistakes. We are human. [I mostly followed my wife's example. She was an exceptionally wise parent.] Here is my two cents In hindsight.
Make sure they know you love them. Say it. Show it.
Set sensible boundaries and enforce them (there will tantrums and battles of will.) Pick your battles. Try not to loose your temper.
Train them to behave and be kind.
Remember, they are children, not adults. They will act immature at times.
Each child is an individual. What works for one will not necessarily work for another.
Encourage and allow them to become independent.
Let them play. Play with them. Enjoy them.
It will go faster than you can imagine. Enjoy every age and moment.
You are making memories. Make good ones.
Work double shifts when they are teens. 🤣
Parenting is on the job training. Have fun.
Wow, parenting advice from an actual parent. What a concept!
Thanks for this Mark. You sound like a very happy parent!
I usually try to be funny in my replies. I must have been in a weird mood when I wrote this. 🧐 But I know how much people enjoy unsolicited advice. So I thought I would give some. 🤣 I am sort of cringing, reading it again. Who is this arrogant know-it-all? 🙄🤣
Anyway, being a Grandparent is pretty grand also.
Mark I'm ambivalent on the "grandparent" issue. My wife on the other hand wants grand-babies!!! If I do end up with grandchildren, I want them to call me, "Little Father." That's from the 1939 movie, Ninotchka https://youtu.be/qFOp7gSiC0I
If they are twins I want them to be named Sam and Patty...you know, Samanpatty (Salmon Patty!). Or else "Wanda Fae," or "Arletta" after Cool Hand Luke's mother. https://youtu.be/Rg3ZxrO0XD4
Grandkids are great. You can play with them, spoil them, and then give them back. 🤣 When she was pregnant, my oldest daughter asked me what I wanted to be called. And I said, "Grandpa. I earned it." Then when my first grandson got old enough to call me something he started calling me Booka. 🤣 We have no idea where that came from. But I grew to like it. Obviously, he outgrew that (he's 16 now) and calls me Grandpa.
It is also very cool to be an AUNT! And I didn't even have to earn it!
So true.
"Booka" is cool. Maybe I'll co-opt it!
I enjoyed it.
Mark you are a GREAT parent!
Thanks. I honestly owe any parenting skill I had to my wife. She had an amazing, instinctual wisdom about parenting. I just followed her lead. Most of the time. We did have ocassional differences of opinions on some things. 😉
Omg I owe my wife eveything!! She is Fred McMurray in this house; she raised 3 sons, me and our two boys!
"Care about them." YES YES YES.
My mum always told me the piece of advice her (childfree) first boss gave her before she had kids: 'The best thing that you can do for your children is to make them socially acceptable to other people.' I wonder if I ever was? Socially acceptable to other people, I mean. 🤔
And Allen Farmelo, 53, cranky journalist? Respect!
So interesting Rebecca! Did your mum think that was good advice?
My parents were outwardly conservative but both oddly rebellious in their own ways, and I think they passed that on to me, not putting much stock in being "acceptable." I am grateful for that, but as I've gotten older I've found it's nice to have the option of behaving in an acceptable fashion and to know what that means in certain situations.
I love Allen. There is no one like him!
I have sought clarification this very afternoon, Anne! Mum has told me that what her boss had said hadn't been advice, but 'about children in general'. In reply to my question: 'And how do you think you did?', she laughed like a drain. This was followed by (direct quote - I wrote it down as she said it): 'Well, I seem to have two unsociable children*, so perhaps I didn't expose them enough to other people. But you weren't screaming kids. I can think of several children who were not socially acceptable - I will name no names'.
*she is absolutely right on this point. 😉
I agree with you, Anne, that it's nice to know what acceptable is - however we choose to behave! 🤣
Haha I think I love your mom.
😁
My favorite piece of advice was telling parents, "It's simple, really." 😂
I'm childfree by choice but I felt the rage of a thousand parents as if they were reading it over my shoulder ahaha!
Haha! Aharon really is the devil!
I don't rage against women who choose not to have children; I'm happy for them, that for whatever reason, they saw though it. You see, marriage to a man, is unfair to begin with. Mothers got their sons used to a certain lifestyle and that is corrupting; men don't share in the childcare and, in fact, are big-children. Women are self-sufficient creatures that have been conned into marrying a man and having children.
I'm hearing more and more a rebellion to this, actually! A few months ago on Instagram, there was a thread or two that came up around how men are thought of almost as children in the parenting scene. How mom's who say they're going away on holiday or a break for a bit are looked at like they punted their own children!
Like "how DARE you abandon your child!!" And the women are like, ".... I made these children WITH this man. He is an adult. He is capable."
Another woman brought up how she left her husband with the kids and he received meals from family and friends each day she was gone like he was unable to feed himself or the kids. And of course, the mother never got such treatment just by being a daily mom to the kiddos!
You're right, it's definitely a societal doing!
I have two sons and no daughters. But if I had a daughter, and if she found she wanted a mate and childen, I'd tell her to marry another woman!
Ahaha!
“Care about them.” That one really got me.
Sweet and sad, right? I think my favorites were those who seemed to be speaking from their own childhood experiences.
Every adult is a fully-grown version of themselves at three years old. The only variance is how much.
I love this idea Amran!
"Let the baby have a latte. What could go wrong?" —Aharon
I think we should make this person our leader! 🤭
He sort of already is Nick! My friend Aharon is either vertently or inadvertently behind maybe half of everything that goes on in this newsletter.
Excellent!! I will await further instructions from Anne and Aharon my leaders..
🤣😂🤣😂
agreed
Time, perhaps for a guest post
That Aharon is a funny guy!!
I am very worried about Evy’s dog…
Love your newsletter, Anne! Enjoy your mysterious and probably Top Secret time off!
Thank you Jill! And yes! Not even I know what I am going to do with the Top Secret Time Off.
“PS I am taking next week off to enjoy a mini-retreat and also to “take” “care” “of” “some” “things.”
Boy, I got a shiver when I read “take” “care” of “some” “things.” You defined the cycle of life with that statement: “taking care of some things” and then “taking care of some OTHER things,” rinse and repeat. I hope that your statement refers to a situation that you would see in the movies, “The Godfather,” “Goodfellas” or on “The Sopranos” because once you’ve taken care of them, they’re gone! https://youtu.be/Sv0Hp_nAsCI
Such a delightful collection of advice, and was so fun to draw!
Yay! Looking forward to working with you again Carolyn!
“Bring them to church. The church I take my mother to, the priest asks the kids to come to the front of the church, and he asks them questions. You can tell from the answers they give that they were raised right—the respect they have for people.”
OMG!! Don’t get me started…to be a good parent, keep religion out of it…religion is nothing but a marketing tool for intolerance…Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a good adult must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
“My advice for parenting is actually do some f—ing parenting.”
At age 70 and with two sons, less male/female parenting is better parenting: gay couples make the BEST parents.
the naked cowboys morning routine!!!
you have a way of diverting from the new stuff but i MUST see that first ugh and lol
good luck with ummm. dr.?
sincerely good wishes
I will take your good luck AND your good wishes. Thank you Appleton!
Wait...no sarcasm??? What if I teach the kid how to be sarcastic? Yea that should work great
Suuuuure it would!
“They’re such a pain in the ass.”
As a parent, short and to the point!!!
What a good idea for an article.
Thank you Ms. Meredith!