The Ultimate Ranking of NYC’s Secret Public Bathrooms

Hello everyone,

Happy Thanksgiving week and welcome to Issue #143 of CAFÉ ANNE!

Oh boy. Just in time for the holidays, I am pleased to announce the very first run of CAFÉ ANNE swag. We’ve got coffee mugs! We’ve got tote-bags!

The 15x15-inch tote-bag is one-sided. The 11-oz mug is double-sided but, I am sorry to say, does not come with the delicious powered donut depicted in the photo. Why?

For a limited time, you get your choice of free tote-bag or mug when you support CAFÉ ANNE with an annual subscription. Already paying? Consider sending a gift subscription to a friend. Remember, nothing says “I’m crazy” more than gifting someone with a newsletter they can already read for free.

When you subscribe, you’ll get an email requesting your home address and whether you want the bag or the mug. You’ll receive the item within a week or so.

I am very excited for this week’s issue, of course. We’ve got our first (and definitely last!) ranking of NYC’s secret public bathrooms. Please enjoy.

Regards!

Anne

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FEATURE

The Ultimate Ranking of NYC’s Secret Public Bathrooms

Last week, I spent a half-day running around Midtown with an L.A. comedian inspecting public restrooms in giant office towers. Let me explain.

In NYC, there's a set of zoning protocols that lets developers build a bigger office tower than the law allows if they agree to open some of the space to the public.

It goes a little like this:

Developer: "Hello, I'd like to build an office tower so tall it blocks out the sun and the moon. However, your stupid, stupid zoning laws limit me to 50 stories."

City: "You can build a tower to the heavens topped with a helipad and a rocket launcher, but it has to include a public space on the ground floor where people can sit."

Developer: "OK."

The typical agreement around the creation of a “POPS” (the acronym for “privately-owned public space”) dictates the size of the hall, its operating hours, even the number of trash cans. Some agreements require the developer to add a water feature or a specific number of indoor trees. In some cases, the landlord is required to provide a public bathroom.

But the agreements don’t dictate how nice the bathroom is, or how often it's cleaned.

I recently received an intriguing note from fellow NYC Substack writer Sachi Takahashi-Rial who covers state and city doings in her smart, insightful newsletter NYC Politics 101. She is obsessed with the city's public bathrooms (aren't we all?) and suggested we collaborate on a story looking at restrooms in NYC POPS.

Inspector Sachi Takahashi-Rial!

My response: “Let’s rank ‘em!”

Together, we created an elaborate scoring system, awarding points for everything from number of stalls to grime level and vibes. Bonus points for restrooms offering amenities like a water fountain or full-length mirror.

We each visited six restrooms. And it was a lot of fun! Especially because I had a comedian friend along—Chris Duffy, who was in town from LA and writes the delightful Bright Spots newsletter. He helped with the men's room end of things, which I was too pudic explore on my own. (He also surprised me by publishing his own account of our adventure over the weekend.)

Inspector Chris Duffy!

After collecting all the data, Sachi and I created a ridiculous spreadsheet and met on Zoom to discuss our findings.

Our consensus: the building owners take wildly varying approaches when it comes to their public bathroom offering. Some offer sparkling restrooms bordering on luxurious, with lots of amenities. They treat us—the great unwashed!—as honored guests. Hats off to these landlords for going above and beyond.

Others are clearly providing the bare minimum, and who can blame them? "I don't know if they have an incentive to not phone it in," Sachi observed.

And some made the most grudging effort imaginable, offering dirty, cramped restrooms in a state of disrepair. "Like 825 Eighth Avenue," said Sachi. "The guard was like, 'Are you sure you want to do this?' It's weird, because it's in a really gorgeous plaza. But the bathrooms—you can pee in the toilet, and it will flush, but you will be scared the entire time. And everything else is broken."

The implicit message: "GO AWAY."

Sachi and I finalized the scoring together and created a star-based ranking system because we know how much everyone loves stars. We also wrote little narratives for each location, which we shared with each other. You can read Sachi’s version of the inspection here.

Please enjoy!

825 8th Avenue (between W. 49th and 50th Streets)

• Worst bathroom in the survey!

• Weird grout!

Stars: ⭐️

SACHI: This POPS plaza is just incredibly lovely. It was a sunny Sunday, the plaza was busy, it was a great New York scene. Until I had to pee.

I asked the security guy with the yellow vest how to open the bathroom. He took out the key. It didn’t look occupied, but he knocked on the bathroom door first, just in case. He thought he heard something, so he let me in at my own risk. He clearly didn’t want to discover who or what was in there—he stayed on the outside of the door and opened it just enough for me to squeeze in.

Luckily I found myself alone. But I didn’t want to touch anything. The tiles are grimy. The grout is weird. The toilet paper is hanging from a strip of plastic bag. The toilet paper dispenser hangs cockeyed and empty. No mirror. No soap. No water from the sink. Verdict: shockingly bad.

55 East 52nd Street (Between Park and Madison)

• No soap!

• Tiny, crappy mirror

Stars: ⭐️

ANNE: This bathroom was easy to find, and then we wished we hadn't. Chris was the first to inspect the unisex restroom. He was in and out fast. "Literally, they took the plans from an airplane bathroom!" he reported. “It's that small. And every piece was designed, clearly, to be cleaned by a hose."

I stepped in and closed the door behind me. The single-toilet room, roughly the size of a phone booth, featured a miniature sink, a tiny, wavy-glassed mirror and a toilet maybe 24 inches off the ground. There was no soap, no trash can and no room to execute the high-kicks that are so fun to perform after taking a piss.

The message: "Yes, you can pee here, but we’d really rather you didn’t.”

805 Third Avenue (Between E. 49th and 50th Streets)

• Hand soap in hand sanitizer drag!

• Isolated location = lots of privacy!

Stars: ⭐️⭐️

ANNE: While this restroom—hidden on the lower level of a ghostly three-story atrium—initially strikes one as standard affair, surprises await! There is no soap in the dispensers over each sink, but a large plastic bottle mislabeled "hand sanitizer" offers pearlescent, almond-scented cleanser. A tall stack of toilet paper atop the sink adds a touch of whimsy, while the stainless steel panel falling off cabinet lends post-industrial feel.

645 Fifth Avenue (at E. 51st St.)

• Smelliest bathroom in the survey!

• Instructional art

Stars: ⭐️⭐️

ANNE: Standard white and grey tiles, two standard stainless steel stalls, smells a little like poop and a little like cheap perfume. The standout feature is the small poster instructing visitors on how to prevent the spread of respiratory viruses.

120 Park Avenue (at East 42nd Street)

• Spooky vibes

• Underpromises, overdelivers!

Stars: ⭐️⭐️⭐️

SACHI: Accessing the bathroom requires asking the guard to unlock the door, leading to a dim, uninviting hallway with scratched and weirdly dented metal doors. It feels like something bad happened in that hallway.

Since the space is not nice and the hallway is spooky, I expected the bathrooms to be in bad shape. But they’re actually totally fine. They’re clean, with new fixtures like XLERATOR hand dryers, automatic soap dispensers, and well-kept tile and grout.

575 Fifth Avenue (at E. 47th Street)

• Old-school fluorescent lights

• A real downer

Stars: ⭐️⭐️⭐️

ANNE: Not the worst bathroom in the survey, but for sure the most depressing. Cheap, dingy grey tile walls and floors, acoustic tile ceiling, old-fashioned tube fluorescent lighting that lends an eerie yellow glow and makes one look ill in the mirror. A scolding poster illustrates a list of items you may not flush. While it’s clean and perfectly functional, after using this bathroom, I just wanted to die.

61 West 62nd Street (Between Broadway and Columbus)

• Features fun adventure with secret key!

• Extra-strength hand dryers

Stars: ⭐️⭐️⭐️

SACHI: To reach the bathroom, you ask the guard for the key. He suggests the gender-neutral bathroom on the main floor, but it was occupied, so I grabbed one of four keys from his desk and headed up to the next floor.

Each key unlocks one of four individual toilet rooms, but the sinks are shared—two sinks and a large mirror. The automatic sinks work without touch, and the soap is foamy. The hand dryers are the super-powered XLERATORs, making the skin on your hands ripple as the air blasts.

It’s functional and checks all the boxes—but there’s no joy in the experience.

180 Maiden Lane (at Front Street)

Purse shelf!

• Purse shelves!

• Private sinks!

Stars: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

SACHI: What a gem. The POPS space is huge, light, and airy, like an indoor park with its floor-to-ceiling windows, plants, seating, and tables. The lighting is festive and fun, with bubble-like lamps floating from the ceiling.

When the space is this nice, you expect the bathrooms to be nice too. And the bathrooms at 180 Maiden Lane don’t disappoint. There are two separate bathrooms, each with its own toilet, sink, mirror, and trash can—no need for a key, just walk right in. One is handicap-accessible. They’re well-maintained, with fully stocked TP, soap, and working appliances. There’s even a little shelf to put your purse on—it’s not big enough to change a diaper or anything, so I assume it’s a purse shelf? What else would one use this for?

875 Third Avenue (between 49th and 50th Streets)

• Super friendly guard!

• Fluorescent yellow lemon soap!

• Possible portal to another dimension!

Stars: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

ANNE: This bathroom was tended by a chatty guard who had the keys to both the mens’ and ladies’ restrooms and made small talk while the janitor installed fresh TP in the ladies room.

"How many people use the bathroom every day?" I asked.

"I tell you, I lose count. But men use it more," he said. "It's a matriarchal society coming. I wanted Kamala to win so everything can be better. I'm a matriarch, not a patriarch!"

Chris, who went first, emerged from the men's room.

"He's a matriarch, not a patriarch!" I told Chris.

"We need more matriarchs!" said Chris.

The guard let me into the ladies room. It was super nice! White marble sinks, trash cans in each stall, high-end fixtures. The lemon-scented soap was a vibrant yellow goo situation I'd never before experienced.

But Chris did not have a good experience in the men's room. "It looked cleaner than it was," he reported. "My nose and my eyes told different stories. It appeared to be clean, but very strong urine smell."

He was also feeling a bit rattled. While waiting for me to come out of the ladies room, he said, no one went into the men's room, but six men came out. "And there's only one stall in there," he noted.

"What do you think is going on?" I wondered.

He shook his head. "Could be a portal."

550 Madison Avenue (between E. 55th and 56th Streets)

• Vibrant blue stalls!

• Best in survey!

Stars: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

SACHI: Visit this bathroom now. Even if you don’t have to pee. Bring your friends. It’s a delight. You can refill your water bottle in there, do a cartwheel, change three diapers. The world is your oyster.

As I entered the bathroom from the cold outdoors, I was greeted by warm air, acknowledged by a bored staff person, and ushered in by the brushed glass and new tile. I headed toward one of the eight vibrant blue floor-to-ceiling stalls, each housing a pristine auto-flush toilet. There was a place to hang my tote bag, there was toilet paper, and once I headed out to wash my hands, there were four Dyson sinks that soaped, watered, and dried my hands without me having to touch anything. I recommended this bathroom to my friend Susan who gets the heebie jeebies from public toilets. And she was like, “Whoa that’s nice.”

153 East 53rd Street (Between Lex and Third)

• Full-service water station!

• Also best in survey!

Stars: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

ANNE: First, the atrium itself. Chris and I could only gaze in wonder. This sparkling, buzzing space with its fancy food hall, giant trees and bubble lighting is about as spiffy as it gets in NYC without paying admission.

"You could come here on a date!" I said.

"100 percent!" said Chris.

"'Baby, all this is yours!'" I rehearsed.

"'Baby, all this is yours!'" echoed Chris. "Everything you see is public space—between the hours of 10 am and 8 pm!"

And the bathrooms did not disappoint. Chris checked out the men's room first. "It's incredible!" he said, after inspecting the facilities. "Like a super high-end airport lounge bathroom. Also extremely clean. They clearly polished the stainless steel on the baby-changing station."

It was my turn. Chris wasn't wrong. Eight stalls with doors flush to the sides so no one can peek in. Six sinks, each with a large mirror, bag hook, overhead lamps casting a flattering glow and motion-activated soap dispensers releasing nicely perfumed suds. Not to mention the full-length mirror, high-end finishes and enough room to do a series of backflips onto the yes, stainless steel baby-changing station. A bonus: the water station with a separate fountain for filling your bottle. Come for the toilet, stay for the world’s strongest hand dryers!

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