Bonkers Jobs for NYC Rats!
Plus! Pigeon of the Month!! One-star reviews!!! Calling a Scone a Skwon!!!!
Hello everyone,
Welcome to Issue #141 of CAFÉ ANNE!
Whoa. I had no idea you all were so fascinated by rats! Last week's feature, "I Aced NYC's Rat Academy!" was the rare story that received more comments then likes. In response to my question concerning how we might “repurpose” NYC rats rather than trying to kill them, readers had loads of ideas.
The responses fell into two categories. First, many noted that we are already using rats to solve all kinds of problems. Several cited a Smithsonian article describing how giant, vest-wearing African pouched rats have been trained to detect smuggled rhino horns, elephant tusks and pangolin horns.
Not only are they smaller and more nimble than dogs, according to the story, "Rats are also cheaper to transport and maintain...tend to be quick and easy to train, and they live a long time—potentially up to 11 years—so the return on investment is high."
Readers Zoe S. and Jules T., meanwhile, alerted me to APOPO, a nonprofit that trains rats to detect land minds and tuberculosis. For $9 a month, you can adopt a "HeroRAT" such as Carolina, a female tuberculosis detection rat in Tanzania who loves watermelon and "can search 100 sputum samples in 20 minutes, much faster than a lab technician."
"The ideal holiday gift for those who have everything!" Jules noted.
Katherine, meanwhile, advised that in at least one case, rats serve as objects of worship. The Karni Mata temple in India houses more than 25,000 milk-drinking rodents believed to be the reincarnated souls of a local family. I looked this place up on Tripadvisor to see what visitors are saying. Sample review: "If you’re afraid of rats then this is not the place for you."
And of course, many readers wrote about the wonderful rats they’ve kept as pets. "My favorite pet EVER was Sniffles, my adorable white rat," wrote Toni B. "She was brilliant and rode horses with me.”
The other set of responses came from readers dreaming up new ways to put our rat friends to work.
Several suggested that as long as people are turning to crickets and scorpions for protein these days, why not rats? Turns out, this is a thing. In India (where all the cool rat stuff seems to be happening!) there is an entire festival dedicated to rat-based fare including “a stew called bule-bulak oying, made with the rat’s stomach, intestines, liver, testes, foetuses, all boiled together with tails and legs plus some salt, chili and ginger.”
Others suggested that rather than eating rats, we employ rats to do the eating.
"If rats eat plastic, problem solved. Oceans saved. Snap.” wrote C.K. Steefel.
Chris S. noted that the rat appetite might also come in handy at the office. "Paper shredders are always breaking or at least getting jammed," he noted. "Rats to the rescue. Sensitive documents destroyed, hard-working rodents employed."
But my favorite suggestion came from Liz M. who proposed harnessing the rodents’ supreme powers of odor detection: "It occurs to me it would be funny to train NY rats to sniff out rats in NYC restaurants."
It's not too late to join the CAFÉ ANNE Rat Pack Think Tank, by the way. We will convene on a Zoom call later this month to discuss the above proposals, brainstorm new ideas and generate a white paper to send to the Mayor's Office of Rodent Mitigation.
I also asked my favorite AI bot, DALL-E 3, to generate a special logo for the think tank. I typed in the prompt, “Please create a logo for the CAFÉ ANNE Rat Pack Think Tank,” and it spat out the following four options:
I already have a strong favorite, but I’m curious to get your opinion. Which should be the official logo? Please vote early and often, and explain your choice in the comments.
Finally, huge landmine-sniffing-rat shoutouts to our newest paid subscriber, the mysterious CV. That’s enough $$$ to adopt an adorable HeroRAT for five months!
I am very excited for this week’s issue, of course. I was on semi-vacation, so we’ve got a round-up of some of my favorite short items from past issues. Please enjoy.
Regards!
Anne
Pigeon of the Month: Kellyn Shensky
Name: Kellyn Shensky
Resides: Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Occupation: Career and Personal Development Strategy Coach
TOP PERSONAL PASSIONS
I am using my unique gift of creativity and giving to make my living. My business called Illuminations is producing huge, mind-boggling multiple streams of income. God is surely with me.
Developing my income via Certain Way principles.
Having a lean body.
Traveling first class everywhere I go.
Having perfect friendships.
Enjoying abundant ease and comfort between creative activity.
Enjoying excellent food and wine.
Being a millionaire.
HOW I SPEND MY SUNDAY
First thing I do is make hot, loose-leaf green tea. Coffee makes me pretty jittery. I’ll put a nice metal sachet in a Ginori mug from Italy that I cherish.
I like to run in McCarren Park. I started running in 2019. I’ve lost 85 pounds. Running gives me time to listen to music or check out podcasts.
By the time I’m out of the park I’m hungry. I was vegan but didn’t think I could give up sushi, which I love. I go to Maki Maki and order three spicy salmon rolls.
I’ll try to catch up on some emails so I can go into the week with a clean slate. I get over 70 email newsletters a week. I’m constantly trying to get off them because it’s too much. Then I subscribe to more.
I’ll have a glass of wine, leading up to my early-evening dinner plan. I love a chilled wine moment on a Sunday while texting design friends to see if they want to meet up for pizza at Camillo.
I’m asleep at 9, which is my normal bedtime. I put silicone patches on my forehead and around my eyes. And I have silk pillowcases. I have a beautiful view of the city. As I lay in bed, I look at it until I get sleepy.
PERSONAL MOTTO
“Be the person your dog thinks you are.”
ONE-STAR REVIEWS
Grand Canyon National Park: “A Very, Very Large Hole”
At CAFÉ ANNE, we occasionally bring you the one-star reviews left online for the most wondrous things in the universe. This week, please meet the discriminating tourists who gave Grand Canyon National Park two thumbs down.
“We were expecting sunshine like in Las Vegas where we was staying. When we got there, we had rain.”
—Matthew Hobson, Google
“Not my vibe.”
—Victoria, Tripadvisor
“To me, it's not spectacular, it's not pretty. It's a giant hole in the ground.”
—Joi Song, Tripadvisor
“Whoopity do, Grand Canyon. You are a giant hole in the ground.”
—Jorbi P, Yelp
“A very, very large hole.”
—Ken B, Yelp
“Total waste of a day.”
—Alice Renner, Google
“Many tourists smoked on the trails, so we could not benefit from the fresh air.”
—Breki, Tripadvisor
“Trail polluted with horse and mule feces.”
—SthCA, Tripadvisor
“The ‘visitors centre’ is a tent with cheap souvenirs.”
—EXD, Tripadvisor
“The bathrooms were filthy.”
—Blueduck 2, Tripadvisor
“The canyon isn't even that big.”
—Jon McDaniel, Google
“Not as big as I expected.”
—Christine B, Google
“I thought it’d be bigger.”
—Peter H, Google
“I expected bigger and there are no animals or restaurants on the canyon.”
—Robert Zamora, Google
“Every view looked the same.”
—Delbocaboy, Tripadvisor
“Grand Canyon? More like mediocre canyon.”
—Joshua Warren, Google
“Grand Canyon was more like Grand Blandyon!”
—Anonymous, Tripadvisor
“In awe for a brief 5 minutes and then the kids will realize it's just rocks without entertainment.”
—Sara L, Yelp
“The only reason to go to Grand Canyon National Park is to see one of the Seven Wonders of the World.”
—Hiker Jane, Tripadvisor
MY WILD BROOKLYN LIFE
Calling a Scone a Skwon
One of my favorite pastimes is deliberately mispronouncing words. This is partially to test the person I am conversing with—will they let it slide? It is also partially in tribute to my late mother, who employed a large mispronunciation vocabulary, intentionally or not we shall never know.
Among the words I’ve been mispronouncing is “scone,” which, as you know, is a sort of biscuit.
Here in NYC, everyone pronounces “scone” to rhyme with “cone.” So just to be contrary, I’ve been pronouncing it “scon” to rhyme with “gone.”
Imagine my horror when I recently learned that my mispronunciation of “scone” is actually considered the correct pronunciation in half the UK!
In his delightful Everything is Amazing newsletter, Mike Sowden, who lives England, wrote:
“There are very few things that will genuinely cause an actual argument in Britain—even the question of whether the milk or the hot water go into a cup of tea first will usually generate little more than good-natured bickering. But for some reason, we’re all willing to fight over how you pronounce the word derived from the letters s, c, o, n and e, when employed verbally in that exact order.
If you’re interested in the geographical breakdown, perhaps because you’re British and you want to know where your enemies are, a YouGov poll a decade ago showed a 51% bias towards scone [rhyming with ‘gone’], 42% preferring scone, and presumably the other 7% screaming ‘oh for pity’s sake just stop this madness all of you,’ with their veins on their foreheads bulging.”
I immediately wrote to Mr. Sowden: “Here in NYC, everyone says ‘scone’ (rhymes with ‘cone’), while I have said ‘scone’ (rhymes with ‘gone’) —but only to be contrary and disingenuous and drive everyone crazy by pronouncing it wrong. I had no idea it was the actual preferred pronunciation in half the UK. Now I will have to reevaluate my strategy.”
To which Mr. Sowden replied:
“Woah! I love this act of rebellion—but now I feel I've tarnished it a bit by legitimizing it using half of the UK. What I therefore propose is that we find a new, third pronunciation of ‘scone’. Any ideas? I was thinking of how you pronounce the word ‘one’, ie. ‘WON’, and just adding ‘sc’ at the front to make ‘SKWON’. That should cause a healthy amount of chaos if used liberally in a public setting.”
I don’t know why this idea made made laugh so hard. What matters is that I had a new life mission.
Friday, 1:30 pm, Lassen & Hennigs, Brooklyn Heights
Anne: “Do you have a cranberry skwon?”
Counter guy: “Skwon? No, we have muffins. Let me check.” (Looks through three baskets of baked goods). “Sorry, just the muffins.”
Anne: “No skwons?”
Guy: “No.”
Saturday, 11:30 am, Bakery Stand at the Brooklyn Borough Hall Farmer’s Market
Anne: “Hi! Do you have a cranberry skwon?”
Farm stand guy: “Cranberry skwon? Yes, one left.” (Puts the scone in a bag.)
Anne: “Oh, fantastic, thank you. Do you have any chocolate chip moofins?”
Farm stand guy: “No, sold out.”
Saturday, 11:45 am, Blank Street Coffee, Brooklyn Heights
Anne: “Hi, um, do you have a cranberry skwon?”
Barista: “No, we don’t.”
Anne: “No? Okay. Thank you.”
Barista: “Have a good day.”
Anne: “You too!”
Barista (To his coworker, as I’m leaving): “What’s a skwon?”
Saturday, 2:30 pm, Ebb & Flow Bakery, Brooklyn Bridge Park
Anne: “Hi. Could I get a small coffee with cream? And do you have a cranberry skwon?
Counter lady: “No. Wait. Is that a drink?”
Anne: “No, a skwon. Skwon. S-C-O-N-E. Skwon.”
Counter lady: “No.”
Anne: “Okay.”
Tuesday, 3 pm, Alice’s Tea Cup, Brooklyn Heights
Anne: “Could I have a small coffee with half-and-half?”
Barista: “We got whole milk, almond and oat. Sorry, I know.”
Anne: “I probably won’t get coffee then. I’m a big half-and-half fan.”
Barista: “We do have a large assortment of teas.”
Anne: “Actually, do you have, like, a cranberry skwon?”
Barista: “Oooh. I’m not sure. Cranberry…” (Looking at the tea assortment). “The closest thing we have is our black forest—”
Anne: “No, I mean a skwon. Like one of those biscuits?”
Barista: “Oh! Scone!”
Anne: “Scone?”
Barista: “We don’t have cranberry at the moment, unfortunately, sorry.”
Tuesday, 3:15 pm, Starbucks, Brooklyn Heights
Barista: “How are you doing today?”
Anne: “Hi! How are you?”
Barista: “I’m good!”
Anne: “Could I have a small coffee, with half-and-half, and a vanilla skwon?”
Barista: “Say again?”
Anne (Pointing out the pastry in the display case): “A vanilla skwon?”
Barista (grinning hugely as he puts the biscuit in a bag): “Vanilla skown! I gotchoo. Anything else?”
CAFÉ ANNE is a free weekly newsletter created by Brooklyn journalist Anne Kadet. Subscribe to get the latest issue every Monday.
Moofin.
I love the skwon saga! I also mispronounce things once in a while, though the mispronunciations tend to be more inside jokes. For example - there’s a really great Sichuan restaurant called Han Dynasty that I simply refer to as handy-nasty and my brain can’t think of it any other way. Really jarring to folks who are new to me.