106 Comments
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Paul Lukas's avatar

I LOL'd over "Did you try unplugging it and plugging it back in?"

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Anne Kadet's avatar

It almost ALWAYS works!

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David Roberts's avatar

Anne, they need to hire you as their CTO!

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Alisa Kennedy Jones's avatar

😂 I immediately thought of Moss from IT Crowd, lol.

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Debbie's avatar

Me too!

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Jill Bahm's avatar

Omg. That’s exactly where I cracked up too!! 😂

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Justin Difazzio's avatar

Can't wait to hear more after they update. I have had exactly one massage in my life, and it was awesome. The woman who did it was a farmer, and her hands were so strong and skilled. I said I'd be back every month, but I haven't gone back and it's almost been a year! Sorry, Elizabeth.

I don't think I'd trust a robot to do that job. They can't know what's wrong, advise you to turn a certain way or to relax something specific so they can get to it. Even with a team of experts helping program them, they can't react to what you need. So yeah, I see how it might be good for intermittent visits, but not for true CARE.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Your last point is an especially good one, Justin. Part of going to a massage therapist is yes, they really do care! Folks don't get into that field because they hate people.

I hope you go back to that farmer lady. I'm hoping to see Jenny later this week. I am WAY overdue!

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Rob Stephenson's avatar

Who brings their own canister of whipped cream to a massage? Was he eating straight out of the can? Putting it on his chips? Doing whippets? Was he the guy who broke the machine right before you? I'd like to hear Ray's take on this.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

I'm pretty sure the whipped cream was for the fruit, Rob. Although whipped cream on chips doesn't strike me as the world's worst move. The guy who broke the machine was a different guy. It was a busy spa!

And here is a transcript:

Anne: Ray, a reader who just read my story wanted to get your take on several issues.

Ray: Sure! I'd be happy to help. What issues?

Anne: 1) Bringing and consuming your own can of whipped cream in a spa lounge. 2) Doing whippets. 3) Putting whipped cream on potato chips

Ray: 1) Whipped cream in a spa lounge: Not the vibe, unless you're turning it into a spa snack review. 2)Whippets: Just... no. Your brain needs all its parts, thanks. 3)Whipped cream on chips: Sweet and salty? Sure. But don’t blame me if you end up with a weird craving for more!

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Rob Stephenson's avatar

Ray seems like a pretty hip guy

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Anne Kadet's avatar

I've put a lot into his training.

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Amy - The Tonic's avatar

I could not have loved this particular comment thread any more. It was the cherry on top of the random whipped-cream-at-massage of a post!

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Haha thanks Amy!

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Toni Brayer's avatar

I was fascinated by this tid bit also. Even enlarged the photo so I could see his face and whip cream and chips!

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Anne Kadet's avatar

I know Toni! If I hadn't had a robot massage appointment I'd have dropped the whole story premise and tried to do something just on him!

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Michael Jensen's avatar

Hmm, this sounds like the opening scene to a very scary Stephen King novel! LOL LOL

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Anne Kadet's avatar

OMG Mr. King could have a field day with this for sure, Michael!

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Michael Jensen's avatar

CHAPTER ONE

A lovely Substack writer named Anne entered the massage room.

She slipped into the sleek, gray suit she was given, marveling how it made her feel like a superhero ready to leap into the sky to defend good against evil, the innocent against the corrupt, the seals from the clubs, the sentence from the writer who didn't know how to reign in his run-on sentences.

Using it's sexiest George Clooney voice, the robot told Anne to lay down on the table while the soothing sounds of Enya helped her relax.

Anne did as instructed, sinking into the cushy arms of the massage table as the door to the room slowly swung shut.

The screams started a few moments later, followed shortly thereafter by a trickle blood leaking out from under the door...

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Anne Kadet's avatar

You missed your caling, Mr. Jensen. Though it's never too late!

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Michael Jensen's avatar

You're right! I'd make an excellent robot masseuse!

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𝔅𝔢𝔢𝔩𝔷𝔢𝔟𝔲𝔟𝔟𝔞's avatar

I'm not going near the thing until Asimov's three laws are hard-wired into it.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

I was curious what this was and figured others might be too, so I looked it up. The laws are as follows:

(1) a robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm

(2) a robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law

(3) a robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

I have to say, these seem like good rules for anyone giving a massage!

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Beth T (BethOfAus)'s avatar

Yummy moon cakes, a fascinating massage experience, and I’m looking forward to your rating of whipped cream on Pringles. Another fun read. Thanks so much.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Okay, Beth, you got it. I am for sure going to try whipped cream on Pringles.

I am already a fan of whipped cream on pretzels, btw. Bonus for whipped cream/pretzles/chocolate!

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O L O Bunny🐰aka Kevin's avatar

Forget the Pringles!🐰

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Elise's avatar

Hehe where’s the trapezoid located? 😜

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Anne Kadet's avatar

LOL you should be my copy editor, Elise!

Now I'm going to stick with trapazoid just because its funny.

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Rob Stephenson's avatar

I think it's just below your quadrilaterals.

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Michael Estrin's avatar

"Anne: I am hoping it's a great massage. I could use it! But it'd be funnier for the newsletter if it was terrible.

Ray: That’s so true—either way, you win! Worst case, you get some comedic material for the newsletter about an AI blissfully ignoring your knots while giving you an overly enthusiastic calf massage."

Ray gets it.

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Michael Estrin's avatar

Also Anne gets it👇

"To my left, I noticed a young Hasidic fellow enjoying a huge platter of fresh fruit, a tin of kosher potato chips, a bottle of champagne and an entire canister of whipped cream. In my next life, I vowed, I will be born as that guy."

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Anne Kadet's avatar

It just occurred to me, Michael—there's nothing stopping me from enjoying this experience TODAY!

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Molly Barth's avatar

RAY YOU FLIRTY MINX!!!

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Haha, right?

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Sonia Grgas's avatar

Great post! The W.C.Fields quote was right on point.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Haha thank you Sonia!

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Megan's avatar

fascinating! i hadn't thought about it, but having fingers definitely seems impt to getting a good shoulder/back massage - if a human masseuse was only using flat palms i wouldn't find it worth the money. but i would also be freaked out by robot arms with fingers touching me so hard to solve that one!

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Anne Kadet's avatar

True, Megan! But they've got $128 million to figure it out!

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inky's avatar

Anne, do you think the Hasidic guy brought some of his consumables with him, or did they seem like freebees from the place?

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Anne Kadet's avatar

This was for sure a BYO situation, as evidenced by the grocery bags littering his area. But I can also share that he seemed QUITE FAMILIAR with the staff!

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inky's avatar

very interesting, thank you!

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Amran Gowani's avatar

I'm behind on my reading this week, but I wanted to let you know I was in the 2% of people who said they know everything and don't need any unsolicited advice. I'm very proud of myself for being in such exclusive company.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Somehow, Amran, I am not surprised by this not the slightest bit.

😀

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Ororo Munroe's avatar

Why is this dude trying to recreate the Gerber baby look? LOL. Also, I think it's interesting that licensed massage therapists are working with them to help make it better. Do you think Shelly would offer to do that? Just curious.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

I really should put them in touch, Ororo, because Shelly had MANY MANY MANY ideas about how it could be improved!

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Ruth Jackson's avatar

As always, the comments are just as fun to read as the story.

Dubai chocolate. From camel milk? I only ask because camel milk has become a "thing" here and because I've passed the camel milk chocolate shop at Dubai airport. It's not for me, milk chocolate is too sweet. (And there's no international travel for me at the moment anyway.)

A few massages: a couple that were a waste of time/money and a couple that were amazing. Perhaps my most memorable "massages" were when I was a researcher in Ethiopia, staying at a regional city a few times. To pass the time on a few Saturday afternoons, I visited a nearby "Massage Parlor" that offered Moroccan spa: your body (well, most of it) is exfoliated in a sauna and massaged. Definitely an interesting experience!

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Anne Kadet's avatar

I've heard that camel milk is the thing, Ruth, but have yet to encounter in Brooklyn.

FWIW, Dubai chocolate is pistachio nuts and phyllo pastry covered in chocolate. It has the consistency of a Butterfinger. Personally I'd just go for the Butterfinger bc peanut butter flavor tops pistachio any day of the week. Also, Dubai chocolate super expensive!

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Eden's avatar

I didn't know bringing chips and whipped cream to a spa was even an option! Some people really are out there just living on a whole other level.

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Right? I, do, however, plan to try this at home.

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aharon levy's avatar

Cafe AInne

Cafe Massanne

Anne, Robot

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Anne Kadet's avatar

Hey whose the real bot here?

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aharon levy's avatar

Bot'ems up!

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