I Ate Nothing but Dog Food for Seven Days Straight!

Plus! NYC Teen Roulette poll results!! Q4 newsletter report!!!

Hello everyone,

Welcome to Issue #112 of CAFÉ ANNE!

Oh golly, so much to discuss.

First, we got a lot of comments on last week’s story about NYC’s so-famous-that-nobody-uses-it-anymore “Greek” paper coffee cup.

Readers reported spotting them in establishments all over the U.S. including a NYC-themed bagel shop in Denver and a Greek diner in Houston. One reader said he’d bought them wholesale to serve coffee at his Brooklyn AA meeting.

My favorite response, however, was from New Yorker cartoonist Jason Chatfield who sketched a CAFÉ ANNE version of the famous cup!

The original (left) and Mr. Chatfield’s version

By the way, be sure to check out Mr. Chatfield’s delightful newsletter, New York Cartoons. It’s full of NYC stories.

Moving on, the vote was divided on last week’s reader poll, in which I asked whether I should swap teens for seniors in the next round of “Senior Citizen Roulette,” the game in which I pose reader-submitted questions to random oldsters found on the streets of NYC.

A third said I should stick with the seniors because young folks have nothing valuable or interesting to say. “Teens are simply inexperienced in life, with a head full of TikTok,” wrote reader Mark C.

Others suggested I combine the two populations. “This roulette could go in so many directions,” reader Jules in Canada remarked in a DM. “Imagine if you had teens pose the questions to seniors, and the seniors had to TikTok their reply, and the teens had to actually write a response on foolscap.”

In the end, 47% favored surveying the teens, so we’ll give the kids a chance. Got a question you want me to ask random NYC teenagers found on the street? Please email me at annekadet@yahoo.com.

In other news, I am pleased to report that the conclusion I offered in last week’s investigation of NYC’s mystery street vents was SORT OF CORRECT. Some do, indeed, vent hot air from the subway system.

But there are other uses. Thanks to reader Bill B. who found this Forgotten New York story posted way back in 2000. The article, which includes an interview with the former head of NYC’s Department of Ventilation (can you believe there was such a thing?), says these structures were also erected to vent wells and gas lines. He charmingly refers to one particular vent model as “The Wildebeest.”

Next up, huge NYC Cherry Blossom shoutouts to this week’s newest paid subscribers Leo B., Sam B., Mel G., Cory S. and Chuck F. That’s enough $$$ for eleven visits to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden! Yippee!!!

And finally, some housekeeping: I am about to embark on my annual birthday/spring break vacation to visit my family Upstate. That means no issue next Monday, April 8. The next newsletter will land Monday, April 15.

And to celebrate my birthday, this week only I am offering an annual subscription to CAFÉ ANNE for $35. How often can you get a 30% discount on something you already enjoy for free? Don’t let this amazing opportunity pass you by.

I am very excited for this week’s issue, of course. I’m running a story I wrote nearly a decade ago, recounting my week eating nothing but dog food. The site that originally published the piece went bankrupt and folded in 2021 amidst a huge scandal, so I’m hoping no one bugs me about the usage rights, haha. Also, those interested in an inside look at the newsletter can check out the CAFÉ ANNE Q1 2024 Earnings/Performance Report at the bottom. Please enjoy.

Regards!

Anne

DEPT. OF PERSONAL EXPERIMENTATION

I Ate Nothing But Dog Food for Seven Days Straight!

When I tell my friend Kate about my plan to eat nothing but dog food for an entire week, her reaction is typical. “That’s disgusting,” she says. “I do not approve.”

I try to explain. I’ve been on a Paleo diet all year—living on meat, eggs, nuts and vegetables. I love it and feel great. But all that protein and produce costs a fortune. Plus, there’s a lot of cooking involved, and I have better things to do with my time—like reading dog food labels.

Yes, I couldn’t help notice that Canidae, my dog’s high-end kibble, sounded a lot like my Paleo diet: high in protein, grain-free and gluten-free. Made with “simple, holistic ingredients,” it’s fortified with omega-3, omega-6 and antioxidants. The best part? At 85 cents a serving, it’s a lot cheaper than eating Paleo.

Kate is not impressed. “I just want to go on the record,” she says. “You are one cheap lady.”

DAY ONE

It’s important to keep things civilized. For breakfast, I pour a cup of kibble for my dog Minnie, and a generous cup for myself. I sit at the table and dig in with a spoon. Dry and gritty, it has a nutty, slightly sour taste, like a healthy breakfast cereal.

Halfway through the bowl, my jaw gets very tired. Dog food dining demands a lot of heavy-duty crunching. For inspiration, I reread the label: “Look what’s inside! Four animal protein sources…fruits and vegetables…yum!”

Yum indeed. I plow through the rest of the bowl.

Around 1 pm, I get excited for lunch. Then I remember—dog food! It’s a bit like going to call a friend and realizing he is still dead.

Dinner presents a conundrum. I’m meeting a buddy in Manhattan for coffee at 5 pm before attending a panel discussion at 7 pm. I slip a handful of Milk-Bones into my purse. My first meeting runs late and I have to snack on the run, popping biscuits into my mouth as I hustle through the East Village. I don’t bother to hide the Milk-Bones. In New York City, a lady scarfing dog treats on the street is likely the least interesting thing going on.

Milk-Bones (left) and Minnie’s Canidae kibble

At the day’s end, I realize an unforeseen upside to my new diet: The only dish I have to wash is my dog food bowl. This is the simplicity I’ve been seeking all my life.

DAY TWO

Already tired of dry kibble, I visit the neighborhood pet supply shop and ask Sammy, the owner, which dog food is best for people.

He selects a can labeled “Chunky Colossal Chicken Dinner.”

“It’s chicken, peas, carrots and gravy,” he notes.

Sold! As he rings me up, I ask if he ever eats dog food.

“No,” says Sammy. “You don’t know what’s in it. But I’ve tried biscuits.”

He offers me a “Boo-Boo Berry” dog cookie. “They’re not bad,” he says. “A little dry.” I pop one in my mouth. It needs salt.

Back home, I rip the lid off the Colossal Chicken Dinner. There are whole baby carrots and peas. It smells fantastic. But the flavor is metallic and disturbingly bland. If North Korea produced a canned chicken dinner, it might taste like this.

DAY THREE

Back to the Canidae kibble. For the first time, I notice the fine print on the bag: “Not for human consumption.”

Whoa. Is my diet actually dangerous? I email Marion Nestle, an NYU professor who has written best-selling books on both human and pet nutrition. “Canned food is sterile,” she tells me, “but the kibble is not, and there have been many instances of salmonella contamination.”

Zoiks!

She also warns about palatability: “Dog food companies add flavors that are attractive to dogs. These are generally disgusting to most humans.”

I didn’t need her to tell me that.

DAY FOUR

My mother, eager to help, recommends something called Freshpet: “It’s a refrigerated pet food that comes in a tube, like liverwurst," she says. This sounds revolting, but I agree to check it out.

“Don’t forget to walk yourself,” says Mom.

So I do: to the local PetSmart, which is dog food heaven. There are four aisles of kibble and canned options, not to mention an astonishing array of snacks—bacon chews, dried sweet potato slices, deer antlers.

It’s all very tempting and a bit overwhelming. I explain my situation to a clerk, who steers me to the store’s high-end house brand, "Simply Nourish.” The canned options include a chicken and beef stew, a tuna pasta casserole and a chicken and carrot bisque with pumpkin and quail egg.

“At least it looks like human food,” says the clerk. “Everything else is pretty much kibble, or just gelatinous.”

I buy two cans of "Simply Nourish" along with a tube of Freshpet.

The store-brand bisque turns out to be very tasty. I heat it up and add a little salt. It’s chock-full of chicken; the broth is rich and flavorful. The quail egg is a little rubbery, but I can deal.

I return to PetSmart the next day to take advantage of a sale on Simply Nourish. I find the clerk and thank him for his excellent recommendation.

“Good to know,” he says. “Now, if I ever get that question again, I can answer it with confidence.”

Later, I call PetSmart’s PR office to ask why their dog food looks and tastes so much like people food. The company declines to comment.

DAY SIX

I have a nice routine going. Kibble for breakfast, bisque for lunch, chicken and beef stew for dinner. My digestion is fine; my energy level is through the roof. And is it just my imagination, or do I have brighter eyes and whiter teeth?

Simply Nourish (left) and Petfresh

But this setup is hardly ideal. A can of Simply Nourish costs $2.39 and has just 200 calories. My high-end dog food diet is more expensive than my Paleo diet!

And then there’s the social aspect. I’ve avoided restaurant meals all week by scheduling coffee dates. But Saturday evening, I’m walking through SoHo with my "friend” Aharon when I realize I’m starving for dinner. He suggests we stop by the bodega for a can of Alpo. I politely decline.

By the time I get home, I’m finally hungry enough to try the Freshpet. Inside its plastic tube, the pink paté, flecked with carrots and peas, looks a bit like olive loaf. I cut a few slices and fry them up in a pan. It tastes like meatloaf. I could serve this at a dinner party and no one would blink.

Alas, it’s also expensive. At $6 a pound, I might as well buy real chicken. But maybe it’s worth it? Freshpet, after all, isn’t just chicken. It has vegetables and brown rice, not to mention vitamins and fatty acids, “for healthy digestion and a shiny coat.”

Like most dog foods, it’s designed to be a complete, all-in-one diet. If the goal is convenient nutrition, what’s the harm?

I discuss the idea with Dr. Angele Thompson, chair of the Pet Food Institute’s Nutrition Task Force and president of Thompson PetTech, a pet food nutrition consulting firm.

At first, it sounds like she’s in favor of my dog food diet. Dogs and humans evolved together, says Dr. Thompson, so they have similar nutrition needs. And unlike other species, both people and canines can survive on a wide variety of diets.

But then she delivers the bad news. When it comes to optimal nutrition, our needs are different. Dogs make their own Vitamin C, for example, and humans do not. Dogs and people require different amino acids.

And just because a dog will happily eat something, that’s no indication that it’s fit for human consumption. “Why the heck would a dog, within two weeks, eat two jars of petroleum jelly?” she says. “I certainly wouldn’t do that. But my dog did.”

DAY SEVEN

The last day of dog food week is a blur of kibble, canned and Freshpet. Monday morning, I weigh in. I’ve lost nearly 2 pounds!

Later, I get the results of a blood test back from my health clinic. My blood sugar level has dropped to the ultra-low end of the ideal range—even better than when I was eating Paleo.

So yes, I’m excited to go back to eating people food. But if I were truly broke, I might go for the kibble for rather than low-cost options for people like Kraft dinner and ramen noodles. Wouldn’t that be healthier?

No one is with me on this.

“Dog food,” says Dr. Thompson, “is designed for dogs.”

QUARTERLY REPORT

It’s Been a Very Good Start to the Year!

The CAFÉ ANNE staff recently expanded to include its first intern, Substack the Cockroach, shown here lobbying for the introduction of the serial comma.

Dear Reader,

In case you missed the recent CAFÉ ANNE Q1 2024 earnings call, which took place in a weird dream I had Wednesday night, here are the highlights of the newsletter’s last fiscal quarter:

• Q1 2024 was a good quarter for growth! Total subscriptions grew from 9,900 to 11,600—a 17% jump. If this rate continues, CAFÉ ANNE will soon be the size of Jupiter and Saturn combined. There will be no room for additional planets.

• The newsletter underperformed on the paid subscription front. Paids grew just 7%, from 330 to 355. This is a worrisome decline in the paid-to-unpaid ratio. As you know, CAFÉ ANNE has no paywalls—I've committed to keeping it free for everyone. But it’s still far from breaking even in terms of the hours I put in.

Did I mention that it's my BIRTHDAY and I'm currently offering a special discount? $35 for an annual subscription! If that’s too steep, you can sign up for a $5 monthly subscription and cancel after you've chipped in, say, $5, $10 or $15.

• I was hoping the new classifieds section would create an additional revenue stream. It started off nicely, bringing in an extra $100-$200 a week, but has since petered out. Which is too bad! The ads have been fun, and many of the folks who advertised said they were delighted with their results.

If you’d like to support CAFÉ ANNE by advertising your product, service, newsletter or posting a shoutout to a friend, please click here for rates and other deets.

• On the issue performance front, I am pleased to report that this quarter produced my two most popular posts ever. Both "I Wear the Same Thing Every Day and I Love It!," my account of adopting a personal uniform, and "I Asked 100 New Yorkers for a Dollar's Worth of Wisdom!" generated more than 300 likes and 200 comments. Zowie! That felt great.

Also, the uniform story was spotted by an editor at New York Magazine who commissioned a short version for the publication's “Strategist” section. It ran last month. So fun!

Me in New York Magazine!

The worst performing post? The only clunker this quarter was the feature on Captain Bayonne. Yes, it was a rerun, and perhaps readers have had it with small-town superheroes.

So where do we go from here? I hope to keep growing, of course. This is America and everything must grow all the time!!!!! While I don’t want to publish more than once a week (the last thing the world needs is more words), I do have lots of goofball ideas for new CAFÉ ANNE projects, including the launch of the most ridiculous online store ever.

As always, thank you for your support—whether it's your comments, ideas, cash, sharing the newsletter with your friends or just hitting the 'like' button. Truly, this newsletter is the most fun I've had in my life. The encouragement I get from this funny, eccentric, thoughtful and curious community sharing my love of NYC makes me feel happier and more motivated every week.

I’d love to hear your suggestions, ideas, etc., of course. Please write me at annekadet@yahoo.com.

CAFÉ ANNE is a free weekly newsletter created by Brooklyn journalist Anne Kadet. Subscribe to get the latest issue every Monday!